I’m part of a parenting community called 22:6 Parenting, and this month we’re thinking about Sabbath and how to prioritize rest. Mentor Joshua Straub asked the question, “What are you chasing?”, and as I considered this in my quiet time with Jesus, He gave me an answer.

What am I chasing? Good behavior. I want to behave well. I want my kids to behave well. I want my husband to behave well. (No wonder I am not content most of the time!) Like the elder brother in the story of the “prodigal son,” I have put my faith not in my Savior, but in my behavior. I continue to believe the lie that if I do things right everything will turn out ok. I am trying to use You, Lord – to wrench blessings from you by keeping up some sort of imaginary bargain. But of course You can’t be used, so all I am doing is wasting time trying to accomplish what you have already accomplished for me: salvation. I am reminded of what You keep telling me over and over: You are best discovered when I am seeking You – not a better version of myself. You’re inviting me to an abundant life and I’m too busy toiling to accept. How do I turn from good behavior? Celebrate heart change. Enjoy God’s love and fellowship. Celebrate… enjoy… not “do it right”?

Good behavior works for a while, just as prodigal living (doing it all “wrong”) does. I think for me it has crashed in on itself and I am still trying to rebuild it and make it work somehow. It’s time to walk away from the ruins. Time to release myself and my family from good behavior and start chasing Jesus. I don’t know what this looks like, but I think a good place to start is asking myself as I make decisions and process events, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When my kids are fighting, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When my husband still has the light on at 1am, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When I lose my temper and then feel like a super-failure as a parent, “Am I chasing good behavior?”

Jesus, You came to set me free. You paid an unfathomable price to achieve for me something I can never achieve for myself: intimacy with God. Your Spirit joins with my spirit to affirm that I am God’s child (see Romans 8:16). You have already given me something far greater than I could achieve in a lifetime of good behavior.