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Finding the Gospel in Worship

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After thirty years of being a Christian I realized I don’t know how to worship. Last year I was doing a brain detox through Dr. Caroline Leaf’s online program, in which each day begins with one minute of thanksgiving, one minute of praise, and one minute of worship. Thanksgiving I could do, praise I could sort of do, but for that minute of worship I was confused. Should I kneel down? What should I say? Should I sing?

I asked around, but no answers were enlightening. My Christian upbringing seemed to equate worship with “worship services”: gathering with other Christians to sing with the praise band. How to worship in the quiet of my own home seemed a mystery. I googled it: lexico.com defines worship as “the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.” I tried praying things like, “I adore You; You’re powerful and amazing.” It felt so awkward.

This experience raised my awareness of worship, but I was still confused. Dr. Leaf suggested that worship is thinking about God and who He is – not in reference to my circumstances, but centering the mind solely on God. I found this very difficult, but it was a beginning. Occasional phrases of adoration began appearing in my prayer journal. You are worthy and holy and beautiful and wise.

Then a few weeks ago God blew the doors off. It happened like this: I was struggling on a Sunday morning with something not going my way. I was hurt. I was confused. I thought God wanted me to absorb the hurt and forgive, so I prayed for His thoughts over mine, and I tried to move on. I was certain this was what He wanted, so when He didn’t answer my prayer I was blindsided. I was hit with the force of my pain and anger and realized that He had not answered my prayer. I prayed, I cried, I asked friends for prayer. I repented, I visited with a trusted friend. No matter what I did, I was still reeling.

Two days in I realized I was angry with God and really hurt that He had not answered my prayer. I had lost my safe place. Most of the time when I sit with God, my soul takes a deep breath, full of peace and belonging. This sense of safety was shattered. I was angry and afraid and hurt. (So much so that when I shared what I was experiencing with my husband, my whole body was shaking.) I was deeply torn and in the dark, feeling desperate and lonely.

The third morning I got up to pray, wanting to meet with God and repair. My kids interrupted my quiet and I got angry. Doors were slammed, children were screaming. I sat in my prayer chair sobbing. I had repented of not trusting God, asked for prayer, met with a friend, and come to God’s presence for reconciliation and still I felt overwhelmed by darkness. I had no ideas left.

I was groping for what to do and remembered that Scripture is supposed to have power over darkness. With my stomach burning and tears pouring down my face, I spoke aloud that God loves me and each member of my family. I began saying aloud whatever scriptures came to mind, mentally groping for any phrase or verse I could remember. As I spoke aloud the 23rd Psalm the agony began to subside. The darkness lifted, and I felt some peace and hope return to my bruised spirit. This was a turning point, but it was weeks before I felt safe with God again. As happens in all relationships, a painful misunderstanding had occurred and it took time to recover.

As I processed the experience with God, I wrote with these words: Lord I confess that what You are doing in our home and with our family is Your work. If I try to control it, it will utterly fail. My trust is shaken, but I hope as the roots re-grow they will grow deeper into You. I am reminded that my faith is to be in You and not in methods. I am reminded that I am weak. I am “admitting that I am powerless over my problems and that my life has become unmanageable” (Alcoholics Anonymous). I am catching the faintest scent of freedom – that if I am powerless I have permission to let go and stop trying. In Christ I receive the very power that raises people from the dead. Thank You for letting me see my powerlessness that I might be enabled to be a channel for Your power. Thank You for humbling me (again). 

So what does all this have to do with worship? I believe worship is a catalyst for humility, and humility a catalyst for worship. This was a profoundly humbling experience. My plans and ways and expectations were shattered. I was reminded that God is God and I am not God. What pleases Him may not be what pleases me. And yet far from being scary, this is comforting. If I am as big as He, or if I understand His plans, what is left? Why even have a God? I need Him to be big. I need Him to be mysterious. Worship places me in wonder of Him. Knowing He is bigger keeps me smaller (humble).

My friend Ruth put it bluntly: “I am like a pimple on God’s bottom.” This is not usually the message I hear in sermons and literature, and it caught me by surprise. But the more I think about it, the more I agree with her. Compared to an infinite God, my finite existence is not worth mentioning. Yes, God in Christ has given me the potential of a personal relationship with infinite God. But I am still small, I am created, I am finite. I am important to God only because He chose me to be important.

Worship keeps me on the road, so to speak. It pulls me back from the ditches on either side: on one side I think I am doing well and don’t need God’s love; on the other side I think I am doing poorly and don’t deserve God’s love. Worship reminds me that I can never do well spiritually on my own – being in the presence of a King reminds me I am a commoner. Worship also reminds me that I am loved deeply without reference to my performance – being in the presence of a Savior reminds me I am accepted, beloved, and adopted into spiritual royalty. As Timothy Keller says in his book The Reason for God, “The fact that Jesus had to die for me humbled me out of my pride. The fact that Jesus was glad to die for me assured me out of my fear.” This is what I stumbled upon (or, more accurately, what God was lovingly teaching me) in my torturous loss of pride. The way God relates to me saves me from both pride and self-sufficiency; from both fear and despair. There is safety and courage and peace in worship.

During my Sunday morning struggle I was falling into both ditches. I knew I was doing poorly, and I was afraid of the fear and anger inside. Yet I thought I was doing well by asking God to fix it for me. I forgot to let God be God. I didn’t come to Him in honesty about my pain and humbly ask for help. I had forgotten the gospel: I am both deeply flawed and deeply loved. Sinner saved by grace.

Dr. Leaf says, “When you thank God, He listens; when you praise God, you can feel His presence; when you worship God, He acts on your behalf.” I have found this to be profoundly true. When I manage to take my focus off myself and place it on God for even a moment, He is able to show up in ways I had never imagined.

So back to the original question, what exactly is worship? I still don’t have the answer, but I do have one taste of truth I can begin with. Worship is knowing I am small in relation to a great God. Worship is knowing my own story in the gospel story. I need to be in the presence of Someone so infinitely greater than I, that I know my smallness just being there. I remember I cannot be good and I cannot provide for myself, and this is both humbling and liberating.

I worship You because You are glorious mystery: Lion and Lamb, King and Servant, Creator and Created, Father and Son, infinite yet personal, knowable yet beyond understanding. You are God and I am not. 

 

Growing Pains

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Have you noticed it is hard to be loved by God? It is the end of a long day, and I sit in the quiet of my daughters’ bedroom, tired in every way. Finally they are sleeping, and finally I take inventory of my cowering spirit. I let the discomfort and fear rise to my conscious mind and the falling tears are evidence of despair over my mediocrity. Sometimes I think it would feel better to fail epically than to struggle along day after day, doing what I need to do, but feeling purposeless; being possessed by a nagging ache that I could do so much better. I could be a better mom and wife and friend; a better housekeeper and cook and caretaker of pets.

As I sit in the quiet and feel the discomfort of my own existence, the whisper to my soul is one of love. “How do I go through the coming week?” I wonder. And God says, “Let me love you.” Even as my tears become tears of relief, I realize: being loved is hard too. I don’t know how to be loved. For 34 years I have believed that I must perform. This is so deeply a part of me that an identity based on being loved feels like insanity. I must be crazy. God must be crazy. What is going on? Is He sure He really loves me? Is He sure loving me and not fixing me this week is the best idea? At any rate, shouldn’t I earn His love by doing something good? Or shouldn’t the purpose of His love be to make me good?

And so I find before me a most difficult task this week. Not to become a better parent, or a better wife. Not to hold my tongue, or have a hot dinner ready at 5:30 every day. Not to make fancy after-school snacks and remember everything I need when I go to the store. Not to have the perfect ratio of social time and time at home. Not to always listen attentively to my children. Not to affirm my husband every day. Not to anticipate and care for the needs of my family, friends and community. My task is to be loved.

This is hard because I don’t really believe I am lovable – especially when I am performing so far below my own expectations. But if I am honest, I know in my spirit that love is exactly the right place to begin. Love is transforming. Love is a safe place to be when my own self is a minefield of lies and scoffing laughter at my attempts to be “good.” Love when I don’t deserve it is precisely what nudges me toward healing: what gives me permission to be broken, so that instead of fighting against myself I can embrace brokenness and know the first moments of healing.

God’s love is too good to be true. And haven’t I always been told, “If it’s too good to be true, it’s probably not true”? Well, this time it is too good to be true, but it is nevertheless true. God loves me. He really is crazy. And this really is good news. I can lay down this ungainly burden of must-get-everything-right, and breath some fresh grace-air deep into my bones, my spirit, my identity.

How does this all work? I’m not exactly sure. But maybe one tiny step is becoming aware of my allegiance. Dare I give more allegiance to the whispers of Love than to the well-worn paths of performing and earning? Could I choose to believe that I am loved, having done nothing to deserve it? Could I take one tiny step away from legalism and toward grace: away from starvation and toward abundance?

I learned from Dr. Caroline Leaf’s brain detox program how our thoughts occupy physical space in our minds. When we develop new thoughts they begin as little “bumps” in our brain, which then grow into “mushrooms” and then big healthy “trees,” simply because we think them over and over. Conversely, we can physically remove thoughts from our brain, reversing this process and deteriorating healthy “trees” down into “mushrooms,” then “bumps,” then nothing. Death.

Life or death. Choose this day whom you will serve (Joshua 24:15). This week, choosing to serve God looks like letting God love me, even though it makes no sense. Letting Him hold me after I belittle my children. Letting Him forgive me 100 times in one afternoon. Letting Him give me gifts I do not deserve. Letting Him withhold consequences I do deserve. Letting Him get a little crazy with me. Letting Him decide whether I am worthy, because He already decided on a cross a long time ago, when He was worthy for me so I don’t have to be worthy.

Obedience, Part 4 – What Follows Obedience

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Here we are at Part 4, after an unexpected detour for Obedience, Part Unknown.

Obedience, Part 1 – Turning
Obedience, Part 2 – Agreeing or Trusting?
Obedience, Part 3 – What Precedes Obedience
Obedience, Part 4 – What Follows Obedience
Obedience, Part 5 – Disobedience

Don’t Settle

There are several passages in the Old Testament that outline the blessings that follow obedience to God. One such passage is Leviticus 26:3-13. I love the final verse in this passage: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high.”

At some point I think most of us realize we are slaves. In fact, the nearer we move toward God the more clearly we see our bondage to sin and self-preservation, and our powerlessness. To borrow from Alcoholics Anonymous: “We admitted that we were powerless over our problems and that our lives had become unmanageable.” God allows us to see our brokenness, God brings us out of bondage, and God breaks the yoke. He is able to set us free so we can hold our heads high. He does not want us to settle.

If I may quote C. S. Lewis again, he says this so unashamedly in Mere Christianity:

On the one hand, God’s demand for perfection need not discourage you in the least in your present attempts to be good, or even in your present failures. Each time you fall He will pick you up again. And He knows perfectly well that your own efforts are never going to bring you anywhere near perfection. On the other hand, you must realise from the outset that the goal towards which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal. That is what you are in for. And it is very important to realise that. If we do not, then we are very likely to start pulling back and resisting Him after a certain point. I think that many of us, when Christ has enabled us to overcome one or two sins that were an obvious nuisance, are inclined to feel (though we do not put it into words) that we are now good enough. He has done all we wanted Him to do, and we would be obliged if He would now leave us alone… We may be content to remain what we call “ordinary people”: but He is determined to carry out a quite different plan. To shrink back from that plan is not humility; it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience.” – Mere Christianity, pp. 172-173

What follows obedience? More obedience. We will never be done turning toward God; and on this side of heaven He will never be done healing us, delivering us, and transforming us.

Grace To Give Us Ears

In reading just a handful of texts regarding obedience in the Old Testament, a significant list of blessings emerged. Going back to the passage in Leviticus chapter 26, I noted these blessings in addition to the breaking of the yoke of bondage:

  • Abundant provision
  • Peace and safety
  • Exceptional power and influence over enemies
  • God’s favor
  • God’s presence
  • Belonging to God

I find it interesting that the second three blessings appear to be of much greater spiritual value than the first three, but God gives the first three first. Maybe He knows we need to be safe and provided for in order for our feeble hearts to move toward Him. I once heard it said that a hungry child has no ears. As humans we are so starved for worthiness that we are unable to even hear what God is offering. Often I feel ashamed for being weak, for starting small, for wanting provision, and safety, and power over enemies. But God kindly provides those things, thus enabling my ears to hear and my eyes to see His favor, His presence, and His offer of belonging. 

What follows obedience? Blessings beyond our wildest imagination. We cannot even imagine what it is like to live continually in God’s favor and presence, in a state of belonging to Him, perfectly in peace as He cares for us with abundant provision, while enjoying exceptional power and influence over our enemies (enemies that are often not flesh and blood, but spiritual powers working against us – see Ephesians 6:12). “Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (Ephesians 3:20, NLT, emphasis added)

Whose Work?

All these blessings are conditional on following, trusting and obeying God – Father, Son and Spirit. Sometimes that makes me nervous; sometimes it makes me proud: depending on how successfully I perceive I am currently following, trusting, and obeying. But when I’m honest I know that I only follow God in His power anyways. The credit is never mine, and the pressure is never on me. Christ took the pressure and gave me His victory as a gift. I will never engage with Him perfectly, which turns out to be a blessing because it keeps me humble.

There is a tantalizing picture painted by two great battlefield examples of God doing the work for His people: the famous battle of Jericho, and King Jehoshaphat’s remarkable encounter with the surrounding nations who came to war against him. When I read these stories (Joshua 6 and 2 Chronicles 20), in my mind’s eye I replace the heathen armies with my current enemies – whether it be my own thoughts, difficulties in marriage or parenting, or overwhelming situations or circumstances. (This can be rote or formulaic, so don’t do it if it’s not meaningful to you. It’s only worthwhile if it grows your friendship with God.)

As the Israelites came to Jericho, the first thing God said to Joshua was, “I have given you Jericho, its king, and all its strong warriors” (Joshua 6:2b, NLT). Then God proceeded to tell Joshua how to battle the city with marching and shouting and the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant, and as you know, the walls fell down on the seventh day in a resounding victory. When we let God be God and we obey Him, He acts on our behalf. He does the work. He provides.

In Jehoshaphat’s story, he is informed by messengers that “a vast army” is approaching. He “was terrified by this news and begged the Lord for guidance” (2 Chronicles 20:3), as well as enlisting the prayers of everyone in Judah. Then he goes to the temple and prays a brave and vulnerable prayer, entreating God to care for them, and ending with these words: “O our God, won’t you stop them? We are powerless against this mighty army that is about to attack us. We do not know what to do, but we are looking to you for help.” (2 Chronicles 20:12, NLT)

In response, God’s Spirit comes upon Jahaziel with a message of deliverance: “‘Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s… you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!'” (2 Chronicles 20:15-17, emphasis added). After this the whole community of people bows to worship, stands to praise, and shouts loudly. Then as the army goes out the next morning, they decide to have singers praising God in front of the army, and “at the very moment they began to sing and give praise, the Lord caused the armies of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir to start fighting among themselves” (verse 22). Long story short, those nations coming against Judah all killed each other and Jehoshaphat and his people took the spoil. 

This story is rich with testimony to strengthen us and remind us who God is. What I want to draw from it today – and from the story of Jericho – is that God is victorious for us when we obey. I believe victory follows obedience. I hope with my whole being that victory is real for every Christian. I hope we do not settle. I hope we let the the love of God soak deep into our bones so that we may trust Him. And I hope as we trust and follow Him that our hearts are quickened to obedience; that we do the weird things He asks us to do; that we let Him be everything: our source of life and faith, our Savior, our Lord, our victorious Warrior, and the Hero of our story.

Life

Obedience is a humble path. It happens in the ordinary moments every day. It is an often-quiet, faithful turning. It is letting God do it His way instead of my way.

May I say again that God has great things for us? More than we can imagine, sometimes more than we want, always more than we deserve. Obedience is like a fence along the pathway of life. Only it’s rather like an optional fence. No one is requiring us to obey. But when we do, it keeps us within the life God has for us: we begin to become truly alive for the first time, for real.  

Obedience, Part Unknown

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It’s time to get personal with all the talk about obedience. If you didn’t know, I’m writing a series of five posts on obedience:
Obedience, Part 1 – Turning
Obedience, Part 2 – Agreeing or Trusting?
Obedience, Part 3 – What Precedes Obedience
Obedience, Part 4 – What Follows Obedience
Obedience, Part 5 – Disobedience

“Obedience, Part Unknown” was not going to be in the series, but I’m struggling today and it’s time to share the struggle. But first, how the difficulty began; which is actually a story I love to tell.

A couple months ago I was feeling inadequate and overwhelmed in parenting, which is not at all unusual for me. However, this time things were at the point I felt something needed to be done. My seven year old daughter was saying she felt like the worst person in the world, that she hated herself, and that she wished she were dead. Fear and worry swooped in to tell me it was my fault for being a perfectionist, and that not having the right solution would result in lifelong negative consequences.

As my mind began to spin up a tornado and my soul began to clench in fear, the Holy Spirit threw me a rope. He reminded me that I didn’t have to descend into despair, and He also informed me that I was not strong enough on my own to fight that battle. He instructed me to reach out to my friends for prayer, and so by God’s grace and praying friends I made the journey over the next 24 hours from “this is big and I can’t solve it and that’s bad” to “God loves my daughter even more than I do and He knows exactly what she needs.” In my heart I sensed that God was asking me to wait on Him. It was not time to act, it was time to trust, and then from the quiet of trust, to listen. This was all His work, not mine. I simply responded.

Within a day or two of this, my husband and I had our weekly “M&P,” which is a time we spend after the kids are in bed talking about either our marriage or parenting. We prayed and I shared my concern about our daughter, and then we had the most wonderful conversation about our lives being too full. There is absolutely no explanation for it being wonderful except that God showed up. Generally, conversations about how we spend our time have been anything but wonderful. Weekends have been the crucible of our marriage because unplanned time sends us in opposite directions: my husband to relaxing and entertainment, and me to chores and activities. But throughout this conversation we expressed ourselves well, we heard each other well, and we reached the same conclusion: our life is too full and God is calling us to slow down.

Typically my response to any sort of conclusion is to take action. Time to buy a car? Ok, let’s go get one tomorrow. Time to plan a birthday party? I’ll start the guest and supply lists right now. But I experienced this calling from God as if a divine Parent was truly in charge. I didn’t feel the need to make it happen. My husband and I both agreed that we were to slow down our lives, but we didn’t know how. We even agreed that if we were to sit down with the intent to discuss our schedule, two things could happen: 1) no individual item would ever make the cut, because each one had been chosen for a good reason in the first place (how could we cancel date night, dinner with friends, or art lessons for the kids?), and 2) if we did actually find something to cut, our lists would be opposite: what he wanted to cut would be what I wanted to keep, and vice versa.

So here we sat, unexpectedly in peace and agreement, waiting for God to reveal what He had in mind for us. Some weeks later as I was in the kitchen getting a glass of water, the thought came to me that we could decide on our schedule based on what we know God has called us to. In other words, those things in our life we know He has directed us to do would remain, and everything else would get cut. I tucked that thought away for later, and through unanticipated circumstances we found ourselves at home alone on a Saturday morning for two hours. I suggested we talk more about God’s plan for our time, and my husband reservedly agreed. Again we experienced the same oneness of mind as our previous conversation, and we felt God was asking us to lay aside those things that He had not called us to do. (Our focus was the time between school and bedtime, so we were not talking about changes to my husband’s work schedule, or to time commitments in the first part of the day).

As we conversed over the next couple of weeks, we identified three things we knew God had clearly called us to, and we decided it was time to tell the kids our plan and start eliminating everything else from our evening schedule. Previous to these changes, we were out of the house five nights a week on average. And this was after saying no to quite a few opportunities. We communicated with our extended family – who are our primary babysitters – that we would be making changes, and were blessed to have their support. We started to get excited about more evenings at home as a family, and maybe the option to invite people for dinner occasionally – something we had not been able to do for some time. Our focus was on keeping things off the calendar, so dinner invitations would be more spontaneous – not planned weeks ahead.

So, that’s the story. We basically started following this new calling at the beginning of January, which felt very fitting. Here we are a few weeks in, and it’s getting hard. At first it was a relief, even a joy, to look at the empty calendar, knowing that we were right where God wanted us to be, and that we didn’t have to always be going here and there. Then the social invitations started coming in. Last weekend we had three social invitations on Saturday evening. My stress level went up as we tried to decide which was the most important, whether we should do any at all, how late we could respond to the invitations without being thoughtless toward the hosts, and so on. I was texting people, feeling torn and overwhelmed. Part of me wanted to go ahead and respond with Yes to two of the invitations, as they would fit together nicely. Part of me thought we should pick one. Part of me wanted to say no to all of them. And this uncertainty was a huge energy drain. I was stressed, wanting to keep each of my family members happy and also (to be completely honest) keep up good impressions with the friends who had invited us. We ended up choosing one event, which kept us up late, and in the end I felt overextended and emotionally exhausted (more from the decision making than the event, which seems ridiculous).

So how do I navigate this? We’re not trying to completely eliminate our social life, but we are trying to slow it down. And although I am absolutely certain of God’s calling to a quieter schedule, I am not as sure how to make the individual decisions. We’ve been reading a new book by Jefferson Bethke titled “To Hell with the Hustle: Reclaiming Your Life in an Overworked, Overspent and Overconnected World.” It explores the ways life has changed in the last two hundred years with cars, electric lights, worldwide time zones, and all the things that enable us to have the very full lives we have today. It has been eyeopening, and an encouraging read as it echoes the heart calling God has given us for this season.

And yet I still don’t know what I’m doing. Today school was cancelled because of snow. I decided to have a fun day with my girls, and we each picked something to do: bake cookies, make cereal necklaces, and dance along with kid song videos. I also took my first-grader on a mommy-daughter date because she has been asking for some time alone with me. Then I started getting social invitations. Four, to be exact, all before 1:00 (and there may still be more to come?). And I like them all. What’s not to love about sledding and lunch and playdates? Each time I agonize. The kids would love to do it. It would be good to get out of the house. But here’s the real kicker. I realized as I responded No to each one that there may be a cost to this obedience. Friendships only last when you invest in them. If we are going to be centered at home, we are essentially tightening our circle, and some relationships may be lost. If I am investing more time at home, the obvious flip side is that I’m investing less time outside the home. How can I say no to the meal trains, the mom nights, the potlucks and sledding invitations, the dinner invitations, the birthday parties, the playdates at the park?

And then I pause for a moment right in the middle of this thought and realize how blessed I am! What an incredibly warm and wonderful place to be – surrounded by friends I admire and cherish, who regularly invite me into their activities and their homes. I have a story for another day about hungering for friendship, and by God’s grace here I am drowning in it.

But back to my original thought. What to do? I must say no. I am called to say no. As Bethke says in the aforementioned book, “If you’re not saying no to good things, you’re probably not saying no enough.” This is uncomfortable. But despite the discomfort I can be grateful, because all is good. The calling to slowness is good. The friendships are good. There is nothing bad here, but there is a calling. There is a culling. There is a cost. In all of it I am blessed. I am blessed to have a loving Father who cares enough to orchestrate the details of my life. I am blessed to be surrounded by a loving community of friends and family. I am also blessed to discover the freedom that comes with the word No. 

Is it painful? Yes. Is it also peaceful? Yes. Is there a cost? Yes. Do I know what the cost will be? No. Am I called to obedience? Yes. Can I be obedient on my own? No. It is all the work of God, from start to finish. In his book Mere Christianity C. S. Lewis points out that “Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, ‘Take up your Cross” – in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, ‘My yoke is easy and my burden light.’ He means both.” So here I am, feeling peaceful and blessed, and simultaneously uncomfortable and sad. God is asking me to do something hard, but the truth is that He does all the hard  stuff. I just turn toward Him in obedience.

Today the photo for my post is a picture of my husband and me with our older daughter when she was about a week old. The first time I looked at this picture, God impressed an image on my mind that still comes to me every time I see it. In the picture you can see our daughter, with my arm around her, and my husband’s arms around both of us. In my mind’s eye God showed me His arms as another Person around all of us. Here we are seven years later, facing new challenges, but we are still held. And being held is worth fighting for. It’s worth obedience, even knowing it comes with discomfort and loss and the unknown.

That Man

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You are my Savior. I don’t have to save myself today.

You are my Lord. I don’t have to master myself today.

You are my Father. I belong in a loving home today.

If a man can predict his own death and resurrection, and pull it off, I just go with whatever that man says.  – Andy Stanley

Today looks daunting; but today I serve a Man who predicted His own death and resurrection.

Today I feel broken beyond help; but today I serve a Redeemer who touched dead people and they came back to life.

Today feels impossible; but today I serve a Father who serves me, and who has proclaimed all things possible.

Today I feel lonely; but today I serve a Friend who has never and will never leave me alone.

Today I suffocate with worry; but today I serve a Lord who knows me and my needs and delights in providing for me.

Today I want to save myself; but today I serve a God who sacrificed self and emerged from the other side to tell the story.

Today Satan tempts me to settle; but today I serve a God who “did not spare even His own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:32 NLT)

Today looks big; but I serve a God who is bigger.

Obedience, Part 3 – What Precedes Obedience

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Are there certain experiences that precede obedience to God? Certain conditions under which obedience flourishes? I am certain there are more thorough answers to these questions than what I have to share here. My simple offering comes from my own experience, and I am a feeble beginner in regards to obedience. Yet I feel an inkling of freedom, and freedom is always worth sharing. Perhaps obedience begins with Love, Lordship, and Listening.

Love

The Bible says that God strengthens us “through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” (Ephesians 3:16b-19 NLT)

Do you see the progression here? First God gives us His Spirit to strengthen us on the inside. Then as we trust Him (more on trust here), He comes to be at home in our hearts. Then we grow deep roots into His love, and we begin to understand and experience the vastness of His love, even though it is beyond understanding. And finally, we are “made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

As I read and reread this, I have become aware that I had things backwards (again!). Knowing I am loved is what changes me. I used to think it was more magical, like God reaching down to touch me and turn me into a walking exhibition of the fruit of the Spirit. I thought it was about doing right things. But being a Christian is actually about being loved. Being loved is intimate, internal, and personal. As C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, “…the Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good. They hope, by being good, to please God if there is one… But the Christian thinks any good he does comes from the Christ-life inside him. He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us…”

If someone you don’t know asks you to do something, you might take into consideration things like whether they have power, whether you are likely to interact with them again in the future, and how much what they are asking you to do will cost or inconvenience you. If someone you know asks you do something, you may take those same things into consideration, but you also act out of the temperature of the relationship. You might be predisposed not to obey, or predisposed to obey, depending on the experiences you have had with this person. Think about the possibility that Someone who has loved you since before you were born, served you by taking responsibility for your wrong actions, and loves you no matter what you do, is asking you to do something. How likely would you be to respond? God’s love is the first prerequisite to obedience. We would be fools to obey Him otherwise.

Henry and Richard Blackaby and Claude King wrote an excellent workbook, Experiencing God, which carefully explores listening and responding to God. It encourages us to get to know God before we start trying to do things for Him: “I think God is crying out to us, ‘Don’t just do something. Stand there! Enter a love relationship with Me. Get to know Me.'”

Our experiences with God in the past prepare us for obedience in the present. Maybe when we’re struggling with obedience to God, we can give ourselves permission to stop trying to be good and stop stressing about obeying. Maybe it’s time to think on His love and grace, and let Him worry about the rest. God is eager to provide for us. He is inviting us to rest in His provision. And as we do so, this glorious safety and love and cherishing frees us to follow Him and turn toward Him in obedience.

Lordship

Acknowledging Jesus as Lord is a recognition of His power in our lives. Power that He received by submitting Himself to God in obedience to the point of death. His gift to us is His power in our lives to do in and through us what we are unable to do for ourselves – to be healed by His love and empowered by His grace. Jesus as Lord is not more expectations and demands on our performance. It is an offering of His performance over ours.

When we acknowledge His Lordship, obedience follows. Jesus said, “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say?” (Luke 6:46, NLT). We ought not to waste our breath saying He is Lord if we don’t really believe it. And if we do believe it, our response will be obedience. We will stand in awe of His gift and eagerly place ourselves in submission to His awesome power in our lives. As big as this sounds, it happens little by little. We don’t surrender everything in one moment. He opens our eyes slowly to His Lordship, and slowly we respond to His revelations with obedience.

Listening

If we agree on the Love and Lordship of Jesus Christ, then what? He may be powerful and loving, but how do I know what He wants me to do? By definition, obedience requires that a person is being asked to do something (or not do something). So what is God asking us to do? Using the analogy of a parent-child relationship, I see two possible sources of direction from God:

First, there are household rules. These are established rules – you know what they are and frequently make decisions to follow or not follow these rules. In regards to God, household rules may include the Ten Commandments and Jesus’ summary of the law: “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-39, NLT) Quickly we realize we are unable to do any of this without the love and lordship of Jesus. His obedience is our obedience, because only He in us is able to live a life of love.

Second, there are things God asks you personally to do. These are things He is not asking every other human being to do. Just as a parent will ask a specific child to do or not doing something, so God speaks to us with specificity. I believe this is something God does with every one of His children. As Christians we are not following rules, we are following Jesus. And Jesus is always up to something. He is at work in the world around us. To quote Experiencing God again, “God never asks people to dream up something to do for Him. We do not sit down and dream what we want to do for God and then call God in to help us accomplish it. The pattern in Scripture is that we submit ourselves to God. Then we wait until God shows us what He is about to do, or we watch to see what God is already doing around us and join Him.”

If you’ve read much of my blog, you probably know waiting is not my strong suit. I would much rather come up with something good to do myself than to join what God is doing. Whatever He is doing probably requires things I’m not able to give. But that brings us right back around to love. Because He loves us, He offers us His lordship and grace, which is His power in us to accomplish His purposes. He doesn’t need me to be able to do it. Obedience opens up a world of possibilities. Remember the passage I quoted from Ephesians? This is how it ends: “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” (Ephesians 3:20, 21 NLT, italics added)

Listening also involves paying attention. God says to the Israelites, “Follow my decrees and be careful to obey my laws…” (Leviticus 25:18,19 NIV). Following and being careful require paying attention. When we follow another car in traffic or try to stay with a toddler in the department store, we keep our eyes on them. The Cambridge Dictionary online describes “careful” in part as “giving attention to something.” Obeying God involves first giving Him our attention.

Sometimes I worry about how to know what God wants me to do. In reality, I could never in my feeble human state commune with Almighty God, and certainly not aspire to obey Him with my own resources. How could I in my broken state even begin to behave in the loving manner in which God calls me to behave? This is oddly comforting, because when I see clearly that I could never obey God on my own, it becomes obvious that He is able to accomplish His purposes – including communicating with me what He has for me to do – and my part is only to trust Him and turn toward Him saying “Yes, Lord.”

God Is Offering

I have discovered that when God asks me to obey, He is actually offering to do something for me, in me, or through me. My obedience is only a channel through which He can do mighty things. He doesn’t expect me to be able to do a whole lot. But He intends to do a whole lot with me as I immerse myself in His love and turn toward Him with obedience. He is not asking me to do something, so much as He is asking me to let Him do something.

In the book of Exodus, after God frees his people from Egyptian slavery, He makes a covenant with them, consisting primarily of instructions and promises. After Moses read the covenant to the people, “They responded, ‘We will do everything the Lord has said; we will obey.'” In the next post on obedience, we’ll look at some of the blessings God promised would follow obedience. 

PMS

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PMS is hard. I’m sitting here in my living room, cuddled up with my knees to my chest, wrapped in a blanket. I’m staring at our beautiful Christmas tree and all I want to do is cry. The tears fall quietly down my cheeks and burn my dry lips. Not wanting to give in to the despair, I make myself think of ten things I’m thankful for and I count them on my fingers. I’m thankful for blue sky (rare in December). Christmas ornament from moms’ night (reminds me of my friends). House is clean (well, at least part of it). Dinner is sandwiches (I don’t have to be in the kitchen cooking right now). Fake Christmas tree (doesn’t suffer from not being watered). And so I count, and try to discern how much to let myself feel the sorrow and discouragement and how much to work at directing my thoughts to be positive.

Why don’t we talk more about premenstrual syndrome? There should be a book: The Christian Woman’s Guide to PMS. What am I to do with this irritation, anger, sadness? How do I explain why my husband is suddenly the most irritating person on the planet, and all I can think about is everything he does wrong, including what he wore today and how much food he ate at lunch? How do I talk to my kids about why mom randomly starts snapping at them about nothing and crying about everything? Yesterday my five year old asked if I was on my period. She also suggested I take a nap, and told me she was sorry I’m stressed. I’m grateful for her kindness, but regretful that it is needed.

Is this my monthly reminder that I’m human? At this season in my life I have enough daily reminders of my brokenness that I’d gladly skip a monthly parading of all my sins before me (and everyone else’s sins). I don’t have any answers, but I am comforted by knowing God loves me and sees the best in me, even when my healthy self has hidden in the shadows. I don’t have any answers, but if you too are discouraged by the ride your hormones are taking you on, may you find comfort in knowing this: you are fully known and fully loved by God, and there is another wondering woman suffering along with you.

Dare I?

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Dare I believe how deeply I am loved by God? How lavishly, how safely, how unflinchingly I am loved. How I am looked on with compassion and tenderness in the moments when I lose my temper; when I am smug and self righteous; when I think I have it all right; when I know I have it all wrong.

Dare I let You love all of me? The lonely and confused parts? The parts still keeping secrets? The parts hoping You will change them, and the parts fearing You will change them?

Dare I let You love me right now and not my potential?

Dare I build my identity on being loved? The most important thing about me today is that I am loved.

Dare I trust Love to be my teacher more than fear and guilt and effort and pain? More than resolve and self-help books and self medicating?

Dare I allow myself to be loved more than logic permits?

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.”
Ephesians 3:19a, NLT

Letting God Provide

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[from my prayer journal]

August 12, 2019

God says, “Let me be your provider. ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness’ (2 Cor. 12:9). You don’t need your kids and husband and other people around you to keep you happy, or your performance to be your reward. Bring everything to me. Let me be your provider. Be still. Wait on me. Give thanks. Hold fast. Find contentment in watching me provide.”

November 12, 2019

This morning I am feeling my brokenness in parenting. The sorrow of all the moments of connection lost to worry and fear. I asked God what to do and He sent me a bird. A tiny bird to flit about in the leafless tree outside my window. And He reminded me not to worry because He cares for the sparrows and He cares for me. I am not able to parent my children the way He would have me parent them. I am not even to try. I may trust His provision. I may find contentment in watching Him provide.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:25,26 NIV)

November 13, 2019

“I have resurrection power, living on the the inside Jesus, You have given us freedom” (Chris Tomlin, “Resurrection Power”). This morning I write these words with a sense of belonging rather than a sense of longing. Yesterday I spent the afternoon having fun with my daughters. And I actually had fun. And I didn’t even think of my to-do list. That is resurrection power.

November 25, 2019

When I woke up this morning I realized I’m not miserable any more. I was thinking about yesterday and today – my husband being sick, my e-book with an hour left before it expires and no time to listen, the kids being on school vacation, not knowing how best to spend my time, Christmas crochet projects not getting done, grocery shopping, meal preparations, a messy house, parenting my girls today – and none of it felt like a burden.

It has been about four years since I realized I was miserable. Since I got honest about the reality that I had a perfect life and I hated it. I just wanted to escape. Was part of this seasonal? Probably. I had a one year old and a three year old at that time. But the greater part of this change is the holy and beautiful, precious and long desired, oh-so-beautiful and tasty, fruit of seeking God. Or responding to Him seeking me. To be honest, it’s still somewhat of a mystery. But this morning I cry tears of happiness and contentment and relief at the realization I am not miserable. In some sense I am surprised. In the deepest sense I am loved, and I have finally begun to let it soak in.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

Obedience, Part 2 – Agreeing or Trusting?

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If obedience is a turning toward God (I explored this idea in Obedience, Part 1), then how do I decide when to turn toward Him? Do I need to understand and agree in order to obey? I will be arguing in this post that agreement and understanding do not precede obedience. But before exploring that further, let’s agree that it is important to understand who God is, and agree with His kingdom principles before we trust and follow Him. He is not asking us to choose Him blindly. But once we do choose Him, and we learn to trust Him (which, by the way, happens over time, not magically all at once), we will miss the glory of being His if we obey only when we agree and understand. I also want to note before I begin that the ideas presented under “Why Obedience” come primarily from a presentation by Bob Folkenberg, which may be viewed in full here: https://vimeo.com/32471840

Why Obedience?

Think about what happens in a parent-child relationship when a child wants to know “why?” Suppose I ask my daughter Kayt to wash the dinner table. At this point she can obey or disobey, based only on the fact that I am her mother and I have asked her to do something. But suppose she asks why, and I explain, “we’re going to do a craft and I don’t want crumbs and sticky food to get on our craft.” Now she can think about that and decide whether she also doesn’t want crumbs and sticky stuff on her craft. Or whether she will do it because she wants to keep me happy by doing what’s important to me. Or perhaps she’ll decide not to do it, because she doesn’t think what I said makes any sense. The point is, now that I have given her my reason, she will use her own judgement to decide whether to obey me. Folkenberg says, “Therefore they are not doing what you asked them to do. They are doing what they have decided is appropriate to do. They are worshipping their own opinions, which are higher than yours.” Since I have given my reason, my daughter is now making a decision based on her own authority and judgement, not mine.

Understanding is a good prerequisite for decision making, but not for obedience. In most of our relationships obedience makes no sense. Ought we to do whatever our boss says without thinking about it? I should think not. What about our friends, coworkers, small group leaders, pastors? Certainly not. But in our relationship with God, as well as in the parent-child relationship, it does make sense to obey without understanding, without making our own judgement about the situation. What child would cheerfully put herself to bed at 8pm every night because you explained the importance of sleep? What child would eagerly hand over his toys whenever friends came to play because you explained the importance of caring about others? Children must obey their parents without understanding or agreeing, because their life and wellbeing depends on it. They would die if left to their own understanding. And so will we.

Consider Lucifer’s sin. “For you have said in your heart: ‘I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God…’” (Isaiah 14:13a NKJV). His sin was in his thoughts, his heart, and it was a conflict of authority. Folkenberg puts it this way: Lucifer says “You have the authority to make all the rules you want to, but I get to decide which ones I’m going to follow…. And that means I’m a god like You’re a God. I’ve got the same authority ‘cause I crowned myself an alternate God.”

Consider Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Lucifer shows up and crowns himself as another god – able to make judgements about God – in the sight of Adam and Eve by contradicting God: “you won’t die.” Then he offers Eve the opportunity to become a god too: “your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:4b NKJV). She accepted his invitation and used her own reasoning to consider what God had said about the tree, consider what she herself could see and understand about the tree, and make a decision. “So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate” (Genesis 3:6a NKJV). She placed her own judgement above God’s judgement. She crowned herself another god. Folkenberg says there is only one sin: “Yes God, I know what you said, but it seems to me…”

Both Lucifer and Eve rejected God’s sovereignty and His love. Folkenberg argues that God’s love/acceptance and His sovereignty/authority are two sides of the same coin, and that you cannot have one without the other. “Sin [as defined above] is the rebellion that is made evident in the deed that rejects God’s sovereign authority and love beyond description. You cannot reject His authority without rejecting His love. You cannot separate His sovereign love that is the basis for His means of salvation without also rejecting His authority. And we most commonly reject His sovereignty, His lordship. But we can’t have one without the other… The Lord says, ‘You cannot be anything like me unless you let me change your likes and dislikes and your wants and your desires. I’m the one. Let me in; I’ll help you.'” This is Lordship in a nutshell:
Me: I’m trying so hard.
God: Stop trying, I’ve got it covered.

If you’re agreeing with God, the weight is on you. You have to make the right decision. If you’re trusting God, the weight is on Him. As my friend Nic always says, “Are you trusting God, or trusting yourself?”

Let’s be clear that prioritizing obedience does not somehow place salvation in our hands. We are not saved by obedience. We’re saved by grace, and by the process of responding to that grace in the only way that we can – falling in love with Jesus. In fact, Folkenberg goes on to say that if we obey God because we agree with Him, we’re not actually obeying Him, we’re obeying ourselves. Our actions that appear to be obedience may actually be sin if they are done out of agreement (we have now placed ourselves in judgement over God) and not trust.

So if we’re not saved by obedience, but by grace, why does God ask us to obey Him? 1 John 2:3 says, “Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments.” By this WE know. Folkenberg says, “my obedience is not designed to impress God… or to impress somebody else (it’s none of their business)… it is there for me, as an honesty check on who I am. [When we put on a good act] we deceive everybody else and deceive ourselves. Folks, we’re not as good as we think we are and we’re certainly not as good as anybody else thinks we are. The Lord says… ‘I’ve designed the plan of salvation so that you have to confront who you are. You’re saved by grace… but I’m helping you realize that you’ve got a struggle, and your struggle is to set your opinions aside and simply say, “Lord make me what you want [me] to be.”‘ Don’t be impressed by yourself. Face the reality of yourself.”

My Experience

Obedience is like a trust thermometer. Nearly four years ago I realized I didn’t trust God one bit. The idea of waking up in the morning and saying, “Lord, you are God, do as you see fit today,” was absolutely terrifying and practically revolting to me. I didn’t want what God wanted. I wanted what I wanted, and if He wanted to help with it, that would be lovely. Of course He didn’t, so things got a little awkward there for a while. After years of honest conversation, humbly seeking to fall in love with Jesus, and facing the reality of my deep brokenness, most mornings I am now relieved to leave everything in God’s hands. Have I mastered trust? Heavens, no! By God’s grace I have taken one tiny step toward fully trusting Him. There is always another layer, a deeper experience. God is never done. As I learn to trust Him in one place, He stretches me in another. 

Walking with God is comforting, but right on the edge of unnerving. It’s not a gradient where I move from unnerved to comforted. Rather, they are stacked right against each other. The second I forget how much God loves me, I move from peace to stress. Which of course makes sense, because God’s kingdom is ridiculous and impossible for me, and thinking about it causes fear and anxiety when I am trying to follow Him by making the right decisions myself. But knowing and trusting God – and letting Him make the decisions – changes everything. There is great peace and comfort in His presence.

It’s kind of like being naked or being clothed. Imagine trying to go through a typical day naked. When I’m naked I can’t take on anything because all I can think about is needing to be dressed. But when I am clothed, those thoughts disappear completely and I am ready to tackle the day. Walking with God, rooted in His love, is like being dressed. When I start to wonder if He’s really got it covered, it’s like my underwear are showing. If I keep going that way, pretty soon my buttons fall off and I might as well be naked because it’s all I can think about. But if I pull my clothes back into place – if I remember God’s love for me – I return to the safety of being covered. Am I always naked underneath the clothes? Yes. Will I always be naked underneath God’s love and provision? Yes. But will the knowledge of that nakedness be practically nonexistent in my mind as I enjoy His clothing? I believe yes.

If we only obey God when we agree with Him, we will be forever running around naked. When we trust Him, and our obedience comes from a place of love and safety, we will always be clothed. We can honestly bring our deepest hurts and our greatest confusions to Him and know that there is comfort in His saving grace and His powerful lordship.

If you don’t feel peace and comfort in God’s presence, and you don’t want to trust Him, don’t despair. Your shortcoming are never ever so great that He can’t reach right through them and save you. Get really honest. Tell Him how you really feel. Put forth the tiny seed of faith you have, even if you’re embarrassed how small it is. For me, I couldn’t say I trusted Him, or even that I wanted to trust Him, but I could say that I wanted to want to trust Him. And that’s where I started.