[from my prayer journal]

August 12, 2019

God says, “Let me be your provider. ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness’ (2 Cor. 12:9). You don’t need your kids and husband and other people around you to keep you happy, or your performance to be your reward. Bring everything to me. Let me be your provider. Be still. Wait on me. Give thanks. Hold fast. Find contentment in watching me provide.”

November 12, 2019

This morning I am feeling my brokenness in parenting. The sorrow of all the moments of connection lost to worry and fear. I asked God what to do and He sent me a bird. A tiny bird to flit about in the leafless tree outside my window. And He reminded me not to worry because He cares for the sparrows and He cares for me. I am not able to parent my children the way He would have me parent them. I am not even to try. I may trust His provision. I may find contentment in watching Him provide.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:25,26 NIV)

November 13, 2019

“I have resurrection power, living on the the inside Jesus, You have given us freedom” (Chris Tomlin, “Resurrection Power”). This morning I write these words with a sense of belonging rather than a sense of longing. Yesterday I spent the afternoon having fun with my daughters. And I actually had fun. And I didn’t even think of my to-do list. That is resurrection power.

November 25, 2019

When I woke up this morning I realized I’m not miserable any more. I was thinking about yesterday and today – my husband being sick, my e-book with an hour left before it expires and no time to listen, the kids being on school vacation, not knowing how best to spend my time, Christmas crochet projects not getting done, grocery shopping, meal preparations, a messy house, parenting my girls today – and none of it felt like a burden.

It has been about four years since I realized I was miserable. Since I got honest about the reality that I had a perfect life and I hated it. I just wanted to escape. Was part of this seasonal? Probably. I had a one year old and a three year old at that time. But the greater part of this change is the holy and beautiful, precious and long desired, oh-so-beautiful and tasty, fruit of seeking God. Or responding to Him seeking me. To be honest, it’s still somewhat of a mystery. But this morning I cry tears of happiness and contentment and relief at the realization I am not miserable. In some sense I am surprised. In the deepest sense I am loved, and I have finally begun to let it soak in.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)