Often we see God through who we are, but He’s inviting us to see ourselves through who He is. This is a funny thing, because I see God as judgmental, quick to withdraw, difficult to please, bored with me, hoping I’ll get things right, and tired out by having to deal with me. But God sees me as righteous, holy, treasured child, pearl of great price, a delightful companion, and gracious. He is not waiting for me to be more. He’s showing me I am already all things in Christ.

I have believed I will be loved as long as I don’t cause any stress, trouble or inconvenience for anyone, and therefore my identity revolves around being responsible and having a decent attitude. When I put this on God, here’s what it sounds like: God loves and accepts me if I am responsible and cheerful, and don’t stress, trouble, or inconvenience Him (or any of His children). Although I know that to be a bald-faced lie, I live out of that space, spending nearly all my energy and capacity trying to be good and do the right things. I will sacrifice my family and my own soul to appear above reproach and to have a defensible, “good” life. I have dragged God into this by insisting that His focus be on improving my behavior (which He steadfastly refuses to do), leaving little room for anything else.

As I move from the shack of conditional love to the estate of my trustworthy Papa God, I retrace my steps through a letter to my younger self.

Dear younger self,

I can see why you feel safe only when you are happy and responsible. You make sense. You didn’t have anyone to comfort you or help you process your inner world, so you disregarded your inner world to protect yourself, and your life became all about your outer world.

Control was modeled to you as the only method of security, so you adopted control as a way to manage yourself and the people around you, in order to feel safe. When this stopped working well for you it was very scary. You felt trapped and became depressed and angry. Safety as you knew it had been stripped from you.

You held on the best you knew how, sought help, and grew. You have always been an amazing person. From now on, Papa God’s got you. You are home, and you no longer need to prove or protect yourself.

You will continue to be the courageous, spunky and fun person you have always been, and you have my permission to enjoy yourself and enjoy life.

To life!

Love, Me
September 2022

When I make Him in my image, God can be dark, unpredictable, and hard to please. Fortunately for me, His agenda is to make me in His image. This changes everything. God becomes light, steadfast, and already in favor of me, and I become those things too. His Spirit is in me, inviting me to know in the dark what I have seen in the light, and to live not propelled forward by terror that I am not enough, but anchored in peace that I could not be better.