I have an addiction to confess. I am addicted to good behavior. If you have read any of my other blog posts, this is probably not a surprise. I have been a Pharisee, and even if I have not kept all the rules as well as Paul and many of the leaders in Jesus’ time, I have longed to. Do not be deceived: this addiction is not less awful than addictions to substances, screens, and all those “bad” things that usually come to mind when we hear the word “addiction.” Spiritually, I find myself as depraved as the worst criminal.

I have tried yearly, monthly, daily, hourly, to leave my perfection and performance mindset behind, and still it haunts me. Still I want to be perfect… or at least better. Still I fall from glimpses of grace back into the comfort of commandment-following. This lie from my childhood still shackles me: Less than perfect is not acceptable. Practice makes perfect. No effort must be spared to reach perfection.

As I first began grappling with this two winters ago, the Holy Spirit’s response to the lie was this: Perfection is a harsh taskmaster and an unreachable ideal. You are already perfect in Me; the rest will come as you follow Me. It is not your job, but Mine in you. Your job is to rest and trust. I will help you remember grace, for yourself and for others. Practice love, not tasks. Over these two years the Spirit has continued to soften my heart and set me free, despite me oscillating between protesting His work and demanding that He do it faster. 

Recently I was reminded of Rick Warren’s opening line in his book “The Purpose Driven Life.” He says simply, “It’s not about you.” When I hear that I bristle. I feel afraid, unimportant, and indignant. Jesus died for me because He places highest value on my life and freedom, didn’t He? If it’s not about me, what is it about? And won’t I get lost and trampled on if it’s not about me?

Slowly, so very slowly, I am learning to trust Jesus. As I trust, I find many of the things that seem unpalatable about His message are actually where soul-deep freedom awaits me. So what is He telling me with “It’s not about me”? It’s not about me in the sense that I don’t have to get my act together in order for God to do great things. God bears fruit through me as I connect to Him. I’ve heard this all my life, but I’ve missed two things: 1) what God has in mind is great – infinitely greater than what I could accomplish in a lifetime, even if He were to make me perfect today; and 2) it doesn’t depend on me becoming a better person – He is able to do incredible things in and through me precisely because it’s not about me. (If it was about me He would never be able to do the things He claims He can do). Rather than that statement being lonely or fearful, it’s freeing. It takes the pressure off. At last I can breath! It’s not about me.

As Joyce Meyer explains so well in her book “If Not for the Grace of God,” we don’t earn salvation – we receive it just as we are – and God’s work in our life after salvation is exactly the same. It doesn’t depend on my merit at all. It is His work. I think this line in Philip Yancey’s book “What’s So Amazing About Grace?” sums it up beautifully: “The opposite of sin is grace, not virtue.” Pharisaical as I have been, I thought virtue was the goal. As it turns out, God is not focused on the mess that I am. He is ready to do great things! And His grace is the power to do those things.

Here I am Lord, weak, willing, desiring Your work more than mine. This is nothing short of a miracle.