Tag Archives: intimacy

Obedience, Part 1 – Turning

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Obedience. Another word that has a long “cringing” history with me. The Oxford Dictionary online defines cringing as “bent in fear or apprehension”; a perfect description of my response to mandates for Biblical and godly obedience. Along with a nice helping of guilt because I know I should want to be obedient and I should be obedient. Either because God is right, or because He loves me, or something like that. This year God has been calling me to obedience, so we have been conversing about what that means. I would like to share these conversations with you, in the form of five posts, of which this is the first.
Obedience, Part 1 – Turning
Obedience, Part 2 – Agreeing or Trusting?
Obedience, Part 3 – What Precedes Obedience
Obedience, Part 4 – What Follows Obedience
Obedience, Part 5 – Disobedience

The Light Burden

I don’t know about you, but at face value obeying God sounds to me like an incredibly heavy burden. There are hundreds of rules, mandates, and lists of good things to do in the Bible. Unlike the Pharisees, I have not memorized these and made it a practice to implement them perfectly in my life. Even if I distill them all into the famous “love God and love each other” principle, I’m no closer to being successful in obedience. But maybe obedience isn’t about doing all the good things all the time.

In Matthew chapter 11, Jesus says, “‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” In a heart-raw talk by Phil Vischer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVuinkWIolo), he submits the idea that the “light burden” or “yoke” Jesus describes is obedience. Maybe He’s only asking me to do one thing. I don’t have to know all the things and do all the things. Maybe this light burden of obedience is simply turning toward Him in this moment.

For This Moment

I have a tendency to over-commit. Call it loyal, call it controlling, call it dependable, or call it desperate – and you’re probably right. In any case, I thought God needed me to promise unending obedience to Him. That right now I need to be ready for all the eventualities. I have this crazy idea He’s going to ask me to do something crazy. And if I agree to obey Him, I have to agree to all the possible outcomes up front. I have to promise obedience at every juncture for the rest of my life. I must surrender my will once and for all.

The truth is, I exercise my will a hundred times a day. Sometimes in obedience and sometimes in self serving. The truth is, it would be presumptuous to promise obedience when I am riddled with sin and selfishness. The truth is, God is inviting me to obedience and surrender as He interacts with me throughout every day – each moment, each reminder of His kingdom, each time I see my brokenness and His offer of rest and provision. The truth is, I am a sinner saved by grace. Not, I was a sinner. I am a sinner, and I am simultaneously saved by grace. Saving is God’s work, and my part is to respond to Him in this moment. He wants today with me. Thank You Lord for the hundred invitations every day to turn toward You and accept Your transforming presence with us.

Turning Toward

In the bestselling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman and Nan Silver, chapter five is devoted to the principle “Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away.” It begins by describing a common scene in the Love Lab, a fabricated apartment in Seattle, WA that serves as a marriage research facility:

None of the footage taped in our Love Lab would win anybody an Oscar. Our archives are filled with scenes in which the husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over her magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband grunts.

You might think I’d find viewing hour after hour of such scenes unbearably boring. On the contrary: When couples engage in lots of chitchat like this, I can be pretty sure that they will stay happily married. What’s really happening in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting – they are turning toward each other. In couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, such small moments of connection are rare. More often the wife doesn’t even look up from her magazine – and if she does, her husband doesn’t acknowledge what she says.

Gottman goes on to describe how people make “bids” for their partner’s attention: sharing their feelings, making a joke, scooting closer on the couch. “People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection…”

This is what God wants with us. He wants to be together, to chat. He is making bids for our attention, constantly seeking intimacy with us. Obedience is a turning. It is a “yes” to intimacy with God. Emmanuel: God with us. This is a totally unequal relationship in a way that is wholly in our favor. Someone who is lovely, emotionally safe, strong, wise, eager to provide for you and having the power to do so – this Someone desires intimacy with you, with me. 

I like the simple message of this song. Could it be that God desires you? 

Connection Is Greater Than Perfection

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Have you ever dated Jesus for His mansion? A home of gold and jewels waiting for you in a perfect world free from tears and pain? Or maybe you fell in love with Him and although you’ve lost the passion you’re sticking with Him because He’s such a nice guy and you hope all that niceness will rub off on you. He is love, joy peace, patience, kindness… and you could definitely use more of that. Perhaps fear keeps you in the relationship: you fear His eternal wrath if you don’t believe, or fear He’ll remove your favorite blessing here on earth if you don’t tow the line. Maybe you’re in an arranged marriage. Your parents picked Jesus out for you from birth and their dearest wish is to see you happy together forever, but you feel trapped. Or is Jesus your convenient boyfriend? He’s always nice to you, He wants to be with you, but He’s not pressuring you into anything, so you enjoy your independence and give Him a call when you’re lonely.

Or perhaps, like me, you thought He wanted something from you and you’ve been working hard to be productive for Him. I haven’t spent a whole lot of time thinking about His mansions or how available His love is to me, but I have spent countless hours thinking (and fretting) about what He wants from me. Certainly he must want something. Right? There are sufficient options, I can choose what fits me best. Or what makes the guilt a little less persistent. Take a high stake option like selling all my possessions and moving halfway around the world to be a missionary in a closed country. Take a low stake option like reading a few Bible verses every day. Take the obvious Biblical exhortations: obedience, for example. Of course He wants obedience from us. How about loving behavior? He wants me to be kind and generous, have good thoughts, be slow to anger (James 1:19). There are so many things, and I’m pretty sure He wants them all. He says “But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). But all this fretting has done little for me, and I am reminded that my righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).

Among the various words and phrases I have written in my prayer window are these: “He is best discovered when I am seeking Him – not a better version of myself”; and “He wants me more than anything I can do for Him.” I feel this tugging on my heart. Jesus begging me to rethink. To repent (turn toward Him). I have believed that He is seeking my doing, and I have sought His doing in my life. Oh how I long to be patient, kind, gentle. How I long to be a better parent and wife. How I long for the truth to set me free into the joyful and abundant life. But have I longed for Jesus? He is pressing close to my spirit. He is telling me, “I want you. I want to be with you. I want to be your most intimate companion, even if you never change. Even if you never do one thing for me. I don’t want your behavior. I want you! Do you hear me? I am literally crazy about you. This mansion of gold and jewels feels lonely without you. You are so precious to me that to live inside you so that we are never apart even for a second is my greatest desire. I am not afraid of your brokenness. I am not frustrated by your problems. I am not disappointed that you have not performed well for me. I am so in love with you that those things are nothing to me.”

I have hungered, I have grasped, I have desperately worked, I have demanded, I have begged, I have despaired. Where are these fruits, the gentleness, patience, kindness, joyfulness, and self control? God has graciously walked with me through this unholy flailing, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel this prayer in my heart and on my lips: Lord, you will not do anything that does not build the intimacy of our relationship. You will not give me the fruit of the Spirit just so I can have the fruit. The whole point is that I do life with you. You in me, me in you. Abiding. You desire to be my companion every moment of every day. You don’t just give me the fruit of the Spirit, because the fruit is not the gift. You are the gift. You with me is the gift. You want to be with me. Intimately. Always. Lord let this sink into my spirit and my bones. As Chris Tomlin sings, “Oh I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like, but I’ve heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night, and you tell me that You’re pleased and that I am never alone. You’re a good, good Father, it’s who You are… and I am loved by You, it’s who I am.” I feel like I’ve been going after you for Your money or Your mansions, or Your treasure, Your power, Your gifts, or hoping You’ll rub off on me. But now I see the beauty of resting and letting you come after me. I see that Your offer to be my companion in life far outweighs all the other things You have that I was hoping to gain by being with You. I have wanted you for what You can do for me, and I have believed that You wanted me for what I can do for You. I repent of these beliefs and I turn toward You. I accept this joyous mystery: you want to be with me.