Tag Archives: jesus

Love Unmeasured

Lord, when I am tempted to strive, remind me that I already have the prize. You have already given me something far greater than anything I could achieve in a lifetime of good behavior. You paid an unfathomable price to achieve for me something I can never achieve for myself: intimacy with God. God, the King of the world, Creator, Friend, Redeemer, Safe Place, my Rock, and the only One able to make something beautiful and lasting out of our broken lives. As the whole world strives and groans to earn, Your children sit and bask in grace. We have what the whole world desires but believes is too good to be true: unconditional acceptance, lavish love, powerful grace. Let us not sterilize it and neutralize it by attaching conditions. It is meant to be scandalous. Only unmeasured love can save us from all our measuring.

Power

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I am forever trying to earn things with God, and it just doesn’t work. When will I learn not to earn? As Ann Voskamp would say, I have “chronic soul amnesia,” continually forgetting what God has whispered to my heart. In my prayer journal I wrote “In Christ I am already perfect. I don’t need to accomplish anything because He has already accomplished everything.”

Recently I have become aware of how this is true of prayer, both in the listening and in the speaking. When I listen and God tells me something, it’s usually something He is doing for me, not something He expects me to do. It’s hard to explain, because on earth if someone with power tells me to do something, they expect me to do it. But God’s words accomplish what they say. “Then God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” (Genesis 1:3) “Then He walked over to the coffin and touched it, and the bearers stopped. ‘Young man,’ He said, ‘I tell you, get up.’ Then the dead boy sat up and began to talk! And Jesus gave him back to his mother.” (Luke 7:14, 15)

I am no more able to trust or love or stop worrying than that dead boy was to sit up. Jesus’s words carry with them the power of action. When He speaks to me, it is a pronouncement of what He is giving me and doing in me, not a command for me to do something. When He says “Don’t worry about anything” (Philippians 4:6), He is giving me a gift. He’s saying, “I’ve got it covered. You don’t have anything to worry about.” His words bestow things on us rather than expecting things from us.

Likewise, in speaking to God in prayer, I need not think I have to accomplish anything. My whole life I have prayed “help me” prayers. “Lord, please help me be patient today.” “Lord, please help my give my children permission to feel whatever they are feeling.” Recently I realized that this is rather ridiculous. It would be like me, with my business degree, going out to build a house and inviting an expert builder along to “help” me. It would make much more sense for me to ask the builder to build the house, and for me to be available if he needs an extra pair of hands.

In the same way, I can pray “Lord, please give my children permission to feel whatever they are feeling.” He is infinitely better equipped to accomplish that than I am. He may or may not include me in His answer, but it will be much easier for Him to include me, than for me to include Him. If I start trying to do it, I’ve already missed His timing and have no idea how or what to expect of Him helping me. If I leave it with Him, He will do it as He sees fit and involve me perfectly. As an added bonus, I don’t have to be thinking and worrying and trying, because He’s got it covered!

Slowly he is coaxing me out of my armor of good behavior, inviting me to trust Him. And as I emerge, feeling a bit naked, He reminds me, “As a father pities His children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:13, 14) He is not expecting me to get things right. He is expecting me to be weak, and His strength is the perfect match for my weakness. His joy is to provide for me – and you.

Connection Is Greater Than Perfection

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Have you ever dated Jesus for His mansion? A home of gold and jewels waiting for you in a perfect world free from tears and pain? Or maybe you fell in love with Him and although you’ve lost the passion you’re sticking with Him because He’s such a nice guy and you hope all that niceness will rub off on you. He is love, joy peace, patience, kindness… and you could definitely use more of that. Perhaps fear keeps you in the relationship: you fear His eternal wrath if you don’t believe, or fear He’ll remove your favorite blessing here on earth if you don’t tow the line. Maybe you’re in an arranged marriage. Your parents picked Jesus out for you from birth and their dearest wish is to see you happy together forever, but you feel trapped. Or is Jesus your convenient boyfriend? He’s always nice to you, He wants to be with you, but He’s not pressuring you into anything, so you enjoy your independence and give Him a call when you’re lonely.

Or perhaps, like me, you thought He wanted something from you and you’ve been working hard to be productive for Him. I haven’t spent a whole lot of time thinking about His mansions or how available His love is to me, but I have spent countless hours thinking (and fretting) about what He wants from me. Certainly he must want something. Right? There are sufficient options, I can choose what fits me best. Or what makes the guilt a little less persistent. Take a high stake option like selling all my possessions and moving halfway around the world to be a missionary in a closed country. Take a low stake option like reading a few Bible verses every day. Take the obvious Biblical exhortations: obedience, for example. Of course He wants obedience from us. How about loving behavior? He wants me to be kind and generous, have good thoughts, be slow to anger (James 1:19). There are so many things, and I’m pretty sure He wants them all. He says “But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). But all this fretting has done little for me, and I am reminded that my righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).

Among the various words and phrases I have written in my prayer window are these: “He is best discovered when I am seeking Him – not a better version of myself”; and “He wants me more than anything I can do for Him.” I feel this tugging on my heart. Jesus begging me to rethink. To repent (turn toward Him). I have believed that He is seeking my doing, and I have sought His doing in my life. Oh how I long to be patient, kind, gentle. How I long to be a better parent and wife. How I long for the truth to set me free into the joyful and abundant life. But have I longed for Jesus? He is pressing close to my spirit. He is telling me, “I want you. I want to be with you. I want to be your most intimate companion, even if you never change. Even if you never do one thing for me. I don’t want your behavior. I want you! Do you hear me? I am literally crazy about you. This mansion of gold and jewels feels lonely without you. You are so precious to me that to live inside you so that we are never apart even for a second is my greatest desire. I am not afraid of your brokenness. I am not frustrated by your problems. I am not disappointed that you have not performed well for me. I am so in love with you that those things are nothing to me.”

I have hungered, I have grasped, I have desperately worked, I have demanded, I have begged, I have despaired. Where are these fruits, the gentleness, patience, kindness, joyfulness, and self control? God has graciously walked with me through this unholy flailing, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel this prayer in my heart and on my lips: Lord, you will not do anything that does not build the intimacy of our relationship. You will not give me the fruit of the Spirit just so I can have the fruit. The whole point is that I do life with you. You in me, me in you. Abiding. You desire to be my companion every moment of every day. You don’t just give me the fruit of the Spirit, because the fruit is not the gift. You are the gift. You with me is the gift. You want to be with me. Intimately. Always. Lord let this sink into my spirit and my bones. As Chris Tomlin sings, “Oh I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like, but I’ve heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night, and you tell me that You’re pleased and that I am never alone. You’re a good, good Father, it’s who You are… and I am loved by You, it’s who I am.” I feel like I’ve been going after you for Your money or Your mansions, or Your treasure, Your power, Your gifts, or hoping You’ll rub off on me. But now I see the beauty of resting and letting you come after me. I see that Your offer to be my companion in life far outweighs all the other things You have that I was hoping to gain by being with You. I have wanted you for what You can do for me, and I have believed that You wanted me for what I can do for You. I repent of these beliefs and I turn toward You. I accept this joyous mystery: you want to be with me.

Lies, #1 – Part 2

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I’m part of a parenting community called 22:6 Parenting, and this month we’re thinking about Sabbath and how to prioritize rest. Mentor Joshua Straub asked the question, “What are you chasing?”, and as I considered this in my quiet time with Jesus, He gave me an answer.

What am I chasing? Good behavior. I want to behave well. I want my kids to behave well. I want my husband to behave well. (No wonder I am not content most of the time!) Like the elder brother in the story of the “prodigal son,” I have put my faith not in my Savior, but in my behavior. I continue to believe the lie that if I do things right everything will turn out ok. I am trying to use You, Lord – to wrench blessings from you by keeping up some sort of imaginary bargain. But of course You can’t be used, so all I am doing is wasting time trying to accomplish what you have already accomplished for me: salvation. I am reminded of what You keep telling me over and over: You are best discovered when I am seeking You – not a better version of myself. You’re inviting me to an abundant life and I’m too busy toiling to accept. How do I turn from good behavior? Celebrate heart change. Enjoy God’s love and fellowship. Celebrate… enjoy… not “do it right”?

Good behavior works for a while, just as prodigal living (doing it all “wrong”) does. I think for me it has crashed in on itself and I am still trying to rebuild it and make it work somehow. It’s time to walk away from the ruins. Time to release myself and my family from good behavior and start chasing Jesus. I don’t know what this looks like, but I think a good place to start is asking myself as I make decisions and process events, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When my kids are fighting, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When my husband still has the light on at 1am, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When I lose my temper and then feel like a super-failure as a parent, “Am I chasing good behavior?”

Jesus, You came to set me free. You paid an unfathomable price to achieve for me something I can never achieve for myself: intimacy with God. Your Spirit joins with my spirit to affirm that I am God’s child (see Romans 8:16). You have already given me something far greater than I could achieve in a lifetime of good behavior.

Lies, #1

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I have believed a lie. Lots of them, actually. My therapist tasked me with writing them out and then writing out a corresponding truth from my heavenly father. I did this two years ago. Now, as He always does, God is taking me deeper, revisiting these lies and uprooting them. This will be the first of several posts sharing some of the lies I have believed and the truths God is offering me in exchange. Most of the lies originated in childhood, when I internalized messages that are pretty ridiculous at face value, but they nonetheless took root in my heart. Perhaps you have been captive to some of the same lies.

Lie: All difficulty, pain, discomfort, sadness (basically anything not right and good) is preventable. A few examples: physical illness, mental illness, car accidents, making mistakes (burning food, damaging or breaking things, making messes, losing patience). Since these things are preventable, you should prevent them, you should never have to experience them, and if you do experience them it’s appropriate to blame yourself and/or someone else for the undesirable experience. There are no accidents. I could have a perfect life if I just did everything right.

Truth: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” Romans 3:23-24. “In this world you will have trouble” John 16:33. You are a sinner saved by grace. Expect brokenness. You are a broken person in a broken world, surrounded by other broken people, believing broken theology and living a very broken life. Why else would you need grace? If you could just do it right, or at least do it right if you received my help “correctly,” what would be the need for grace? Grace is unmerited favor. Expect pain, expect difficulty, and sickness and sadness, and mistakes, and expect my grace to be sufficient.

“For when I tried to keep the law it condemned me. So I died to the law – I stopped trying to meet all its requirements – so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.” Galatians 2:19-21

Lord I confess I have rejected your sacrifice by trusting in good behavior. Lord let me be hungry for a Savior, not good behavior. Teach me to live in the freedom You have provided for me.

Slow

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Lord let me let you love me slow. Sometimes I think about how slowly the world wakes up. The contrast between alarm clocks and bright lights and the twittering birds and slow lighting of the sky. It takes an hour for the sun to rise and to set. It’s a reminder to me that You are not in a hurry. Neither are you in a hurry for me to become perfect. You are content to commune with me in my brokenness. You seek intimacy with me rather than perfection from me. So let me embrace the slow knowing, the gentle turning, of my broken spirit to Your wholeness.

My Favorite Subject

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I think it’s only fair to begin by saying I am not a writer. I am a sinner saved by grace. Sometimes that grace overflows into my journal, and I feel the desire to share these moments of grace. If God’s gift of words to me can be a gift to you as well, it will bring a smile to my face.

At my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group a month or two ago, our table conversation included answering this question: what could you talk about for thirty minutes without preparation? My answer: my relationship with God. His work in my life rises above my other experiences, and I find myself excited to share who He is and how He engages with me. He is my favorite Subject.

[Grace] is the power of God available to meet all your needs. — Joyce Meyer