Tag Archives: lost

Case In Point

If you were my neighbor, you might have seen my butt, clad in my favorite snowflake leggings, disappear into our kitchen window on a Tuesday morning in early December. It was the end of one act in a drama that began Monday evening.

My husband left Monday morning for a work trip to New York, and since my friend Tiffaney’s husband was also out of town for work, we planned a Monday night moms-and-kids sleepover. It was a snowy day, school was canceled, but we stayed busy putting up our Christmas tree, doing a few snippets of homework, baking pies, running errands, and getting props ready for the school Christmas program.

Late that afternoon I backed our Highlander out of the garage and pulled up to the sidewalk by the back door. I pushed the button to close the garage door but it didn’t respond. I’ll back up several feet and try again before I pull out, I thought. We loaded up our snow clothes, sleepover bags, and a pie, and by the time we pulled out I had forgotten about the open garage door.

Five minutes later we arrived at Tiffaney’s house, parked at the end of her driveway, and tromped through the snow to her warm kitchen, carrying our bags of clothes. We stowed our things away in the downstairs guest room and the kids went out to play in the snow, while I settled down to a puzzle in the living room and Tiffaney made dinner. The kids came in after dark, their icy clothes leaving melting puddles here and there in the entryway. After dinner they played, then put their PJs on and had a bedtime story by the fire. It was a cozy and delightful evening.

In the morning we had pumpkin pie and muffins, veggie sausage and fruit for breakfast, then scurried to gather our things and get out the door for school. Tiffaney left with her kids while my girls and I gathered the last of our things by the kitchen door and prepared to take armloads of snow clothes to the Highlander. My keys weren’t in my purse, but I’m notorious for misplacing things, so I wasn’t alarmed. I checked my coat pockets next. “I don’t know where my keys are.”

“I had them last night,” my older daughter said with concern. “I don’t know what I did with them.”

I had forgotten she took the keys to get a sled from the Highlander. While I felt slightly relieved that I hadn’t unknowingly misplaced the keys, I now also felt a much higher level of concern at the possibility of not being able to find them at all. We began searching, starting in my daughter’s coat pocket, where she remembered putting the keys. But they weren’t in the coat pocket, or the pants pockets, or anywhere we looked in the house. We continued the search outside where there were still several inches of snow on the ground. We walked slowly to the Highlander, heads down. Tiffaney’s neighbor, Ben, noticed us searching the ground and asked if we had lost keys. “Yes,” I said, “we used them last night and now we can’t find them.” He promptly offered to take my girls to school, and I gladly accepted.

Tiffaney came home and together we continued searching for the keys, but found nothing. I texted my parents that I was coming over to get a spare house key. My parents live across the street from my house and they keep a spare key, so it would be easy to go home from there and grab the extra Highlander keys to use until I found the lost key ring. Tiffaney dropped me off at my parents’ house, where I was greeted with the unwelcome news, “We can’t find the key to your house.” Mommy and Daddy were searching kitchen drawers and coat pockets, but to no avail. I decided to walk over to my house and look for a way to break in. I tried all the doors and a couple of windows, but everything was locked. As I stood at the back of the house, looking at the windows, I noticed the latch was pointing a different direction on the kitchen window than it was on the other windows. Maybe it’s not locked.

I carried our orange step-ladder from the still-open garage to the kitchen window. Propping it open, I climbed up and tried the window. It opened! Sliding it all the way up, I angled my head and shoulders through the narrow opening, held onto the counter as I balanced awkwardly over the piles of dishes in and around the sink, and finally lowered myself to the kitchen floor. From there it was a dozen steps to the back door, which I unlocked as I headed out to put the ladder away. I tromped back through the snow to my parents’ house with the news of my lucky break-in, and retrieved my purse.

As I was walked home again it dawned on me that I couldn’t have opened the kitchen window if the garage door was closed and I didn’t have access to the ladder. Sometimes my mistakes or forgetfulness can be in my favor! Glad to finally be home, I settled down to write until Tiffaney could take me back to her house to retrieve the Highlander. Then life resumed as usual.

Monday’s sleepover was such a hit that we showed up again Wednesday evening to spend the night. There was still snow on the ground, and we searched for the keys to no avail. Tiffaney took all the kids to her son’s school Christmas program, and I got better acquainted with Alice, who got stuck at the bottom of Tiffaney’s driveway. Using door mats, car mats, blankets, and—finally—a neighbor, we got her little car to the end of the driveway. Tiffaney’s house was beginning to feel like one adventure after another.

Snow melted over the weekend, and we offered the neighborhood kids—fourteen of them—a $2 reward for finding my keys. Sunday it rained and I stayed inside. Monday I increased the reward to $3, and Tiffaney chimed in on our group text, “I’ll double that!” Three of us adults also combed the sledding hill on Monday but found nothing shiny or key-like.

Another week passed, it snowed again, and Christmas vacation began. I was at my writing desk on a Wednesday morning, two weeks after I had climbed through our kitchen window, when my daughter appeared in the doorway wearing her snow pants and coat. “I hear metal,” she said, shaking up and down. She reached down, opened the side pocket of her snow pants, and pulled out the missing keys! She had put them safely in her pocket … just not her coat pocket. I joyfully texted my friends.

The drama had finally reached its conclusion after fifteen days of waiting. That’s plenty of time to fret about the astronomical price of a new key fob, my—or my daughter’s—lack of responsibility, and the outlaws who might be running around with keys to my house. It’s plenty of time to scold and moan and budget. Enough time to compare all the “shoulda’s” with reality. It’s enough time to buy a new fob, schedule an appointment to have the house re-keyed, and write a chore list long enough so my daughter can pay me back for said fob.

But I didn’t do any of those things. I blame God for this. I also blame Tiffaney, who is queen of going with the flow, and who spent more time praying than fretting—in fact she prayed about finding the keys just a couple of hours before my daughter found them.

I am still getting acquainted with the me who doesn’t freak out about everything, shame and blame, and frantically try to fix things in record time. This new me appreciates my friends and gives grace to my children. She allows for changes in plans and inconveniences. She waits, with a slow pulse.

Don’t get me wrong, I can still throw a first-class tantrum. When things go sideways I still panic and reach for my two favorites—anger and control. But I love this whole story because it’s a case in point that I am freer than I used to be. I am free to love, to make mistakes, and to allow others to make mistakes. I am free to receive life open-handed, to laugh, to pray, to wait, to be in community. No matter the outcome, all the energy I might have spent steaming out my ears for two weeks was put to better use. Thank you, Papa God, for seeing fit to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.

Is It Really Safe?, Part 1

I have been in a funk. I have been dragged around by emotions I don’t understand until I feel like an empty shell and a lost cause. I have lots of questions and no answers. Confusion and discouragement pepper my journal pages:

– Somehow I got lost.
– Where am I? Where did I go?
– I feel like a failure. I feel condemned and alone and sad and afraid.
– I don’t know how to be. I don’t know who I am.
– I don’t matter. I am valuable only as I fulfill the roles I have been given to fulfill. I don’t enjoy my life. I don’t know how. I don’t have permission to. When I hear the words, “you do matter,” I think blah, blah, blah, that’s just a bunch of hogwash. Who are you? A fairy to grant me my dreams and wishes?
– “Be thankful. Smile. Be faithful.” Don’t feed me that crap. How can I love my life and hate it at the same time?
– Actually, I don’t think I hate my life. I think I hate myself.
– Surely there must be some relief. I don’t know how to be in this place.

Deep in my gut, my soul, my heart, I believe that my value is based on my performance. It is agonizing to perform poorly for weeks on end and be forced to face this monster. I have been wrestling the monster for years, and sometimes it gets easier. Right now it’s harder. As I wrestle and grieve and worry, God extends invitations.

Invited To Be

My brave husband, overwhelmed by the tearful shell of a wife he’s been living with, courageously asked what he could do to help me. I had no answer, so I took the question to God, and God said I need to be reminded of these things: everything is going to be ok. It’s ok to be broken and it’s ok to not know why. It’s ok to do the best I can and it’s ok for that to be small and basic. I don’t have to wallow, but I don’t have to fight either. I can just be. I can be grateful my daughters are relatively independent. I can be content with small things. I can learn to be safe with myself. I can praise God for being with me in this. I can be still. I can be imperfect. I can have a different capacity every day (I cannot express how frustrating this is for me!). I can read and listen to things that are affirming instead of challenging. I can be alone or I can reach out. I can have days in which my best feels more like my worst.

As I was driving downtown recently, a car passed me with these words big and bold across the rear windshield: “It’s ok to not be ok.” I took a deep breath. As the days pass, I keep circling back to these words and taking more deep breaths. It’s ok to not be ok. Discouragement and confusion does not make me unsuitable for life. When I feel tired and anxious, dialed up to ten, but seem only to have energy for emotional turmoil and none for the tasks of life: I can come and curl up in the arms of God, still and loved. I can trade lethargy and despair for permission to do less. I can admit my capacity is low. I can breathe deeply of love that is not earned. I can trust God’s strength instead of fearing my weakness. I can remember it’s ok to not be ok.

Jesus said, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [the things you worry you won’t have] shall be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33, NKJV) That is a big promise. My skeptical side wonders if God knows how many things I worry about. Skepticism aside, what exactly is the “kingdom of God”? What would it look like in my life? It seems Jesus wanted people to know, because He told many stories beginning with the words, “The kingdom of heaven is like…”
– Letting myself be found and celebrated (Parables of the lost sheep and lost coin)
– Letting myself be cultivated – soil for seed (Parable of the sower)
– Letting myself be imperfect (Parable of the wheat and tares)
– Letting myself be the least (Parable of the mustard seed)
– Letting myself be slow (Parable of the leaven)
– Letting myself be treasured (Parable of the hidden treasure)
– Letting myself be sought (Parable of the pearl of great price)
– Letting myself be gathered (Parable of the dragnet)

When I look back over the list, I see – as if for the first time – the phrase “letting myself be…” God is inviting me to be. No explanations, no defenses, no requirements. No “right” or “wrong” way to be. My experience is valid as it is. I am invited to be. Lord, maybe today is less about what I do and more about who I am, and maybe who I am isn’t so scary if You are with me.

Invited To Be Seen

In God’s presence there is a priceless gift added to the permission to be: an invitation to be seen. I am learning to let God see me. But in the process of letting Him see me, I also see myself, and this can be painful and scary. I don’t realize how much I am hiding until He comes to find me. I am hiding from pain, but I am also hiding from love. I am hiding from my feelings, for fear that really feeling them will render me unable to function. I am hiding from the people I love, because I don’t want to frighten or burden them, and even more because I don’t want to be rejected by them. I am hiding from myself, because my own anger against myself is frightful, and my assessment of myself is scathing.

All this hiding is exhausting. Being seen is terrifying. It seems all options are agony. I consider an invitation from God to think about what I want, and this takes my terror to a whole new level. Wanting something is vulnerable. Wanting reveals my inner self. Wanting is frivolous. Wanting is not safe. Wanting is an invitation to be invalidated. In my heart, wanting is a minefield. Yet clearly, hiding behind my duties is choking me, and so – tentatively – I consider my wants. I speak them even though I feel mocked by them. I want to feel good at something. I want to follow God. I want some time when no one needs me. I want to have good posture. Gently God invites me to consider not just my general wants, but what I want today. This is getting very personal… I want to sit by the fire in my new chair and read. I want to laugh. I don’t want to think about meals, cooking, or food planning and shopping. I want to enjoy my children. Phew! I survived. I feel vulnerable, but to my surprise, saying what I want did not wreck me.

I am seen, and I am still invited to be. This means the invitation to be was not imaginary, contrived, or based on my being – my existence – turning out “right.” I am truly invited to be me – not the better version of myself that I am always competing with and losing to. Here I am, sad and vulnerable me, seen and affirmed in my messy existence.

Brené Brown ends “The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto” with these words: “I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly deeply seeing you.” God holds sacred the gift of seeing me. I am safe, I am honored, I am cherished. Even when I’m not ok.