Tag Archives: prayer

Lies, #3

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I find safety in conformity. I feel afraid of diversity. There is something really uncomfortable for me about interacting with someone who may be hard of seeing or hearing, or who has unusual behaviors or a mental disorder. I don’t know what the rules are. Perhaps if love was the rule I could navigate alright, despite my apparent lack of understanding. But I don’t operate well at that level. I desire clearly defined roles and expectations.

One of the lies I have believed from childhood is this: What you think or feel is only ok when it is the same as what I think or feel. Alternatively, if I can understand how you might think or feel that way, there is a slight possibility for it to be ok even if we are not in agreement. But if what you think or feel doesn’t make sense to me it couldn’t possibly be valid. This goes for desires, tastes and preferences, and so on.

And so I go through life judging others, and assuming they are judging me. I believe that what I feel is not valid unless other people share the same feeling, or unless I can logically defend my feeling. (By the way, logically defending feelings has been a fruitless exercise). I question myself, and I feel discomfort within my own self because I don’t follow my own rules and expectations. How do I reconcile with the mess that I am? How will I interact with people who follow different rules than I do?

The Holy Spirit’s answer to my lie is this: What you think, feel, desire, prefer, and enjoy delights me. I love that all my children are different. Your experience is valid. You don’t need to explain or justify to me why you like or dislike something, want to do something or go somewhere, desire or enjoy something, or feel a particular feeling. You do not have to agree with me in thought and/or action in order for me to be pleased with you. I am pleased with you and I delight in you.

Could I let God be big enough that He can delight in me AND in the person who disagrees with me? Is it possible that what seems mutually exclusive to me is not mutually exclusive to God? Perhaps there is more value in the human experience than in its definition. Maybe part of abundant life is living free from the need to measure up, to hustle, to conform. God is pleased with me and He delights in me. I am enough. Today I can rest. Not after I become a “better” person. Right now. You and I are already in His favor. And so are the “others” in our lives.

Love Unmeasured

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Lord, when I am tempted to strive, remind me that I already have the prize. You have already given me something far greater than anything I could achieve in a lifetime of good behavior. You paid an unfathomable price to achieve for me something I can never achieve for myself: intimacy with God. God, the King of the world, Creator, Friend, Redeemer, Safe Place, my Rock, and the only One able to make something beautiful and lasting out of our broken lives. As the whole world strives and groans to earn, Your children sit and bask in grace. We have what the whole world desires but believes is too good to be true: unconditional acceptance, lavish love, powerful grace. Let us not sterilize it and neutralize it by attaching conditions. It is meant to be scandalous. Only unmeasured love can save us from all our measuring.

Power

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I am forever trying to earn things with God, and it just doesn’t work. When will I learn not to earn? As Ann Voskamp would say, I have “chronic soul amnesia,” continually forgetting what God has whispered to my heart. In my prayer journal I wrote “In Christ I am already perfect. I don’t need to accomplish anything because He has already accomplished everything.”

Recently I have become aware of how this is true of prayer, both in the listening and in the speaking. When I listen and God tells me something, it’s usually something He is doing for me, not something He expects me to do. It’s hard to explain, because on earth if someone with power tells me to do something, they expect me to do it. But God’s words accomplish what they say. “Then God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” (Genesis 1:3) “Then He walked over to the coffin and touched it, and the bearers stopped. ‘Young man,’ He said, ‘I tell you, get up.’ Then the dead boy sat up and began to talk! And Jesus gave him back to his mother.” (Luke 7:14, 15)

I am no more able to trust or love or stop worrying than that dead boy was to sit up. Jesus’s words carry with them the power of action. When He speaks to me, it is a pronouncement of what He is giving me and doing in me, not a command for me to do something. When He says “Don’t worry about anything” (Philippians 4:6), He is giving me a gift. He’s saying, “I’ve got it covered. You don’t have anything to worry about.” His words bestow things on us rather than expecting things from us.

Likewise, in speaking to God in prayer, I need not think I have to accomplish anything. My whole life I have prayed “help me” prayers. “Lord, please help me be patient today.” “Lord, please help my give my children permission to feel whatever they are feeling.” Recently I realized that this is rather ridiculous. It would be like me, with my business degree, going out to build a house and inviting an expert builder along to “help” me. It would make much more sense for me to ask the builder to build the house, and for me to be available if he needs an extra pair of hands.

In the same way, I can pray “Lord, please give my children permission to feel whatever they are feeling.” He is infinitely better equipped to accomplish that than I am. He may or may not include me in His answer, but it will be much easier for Him to include me, than for me to include Him. If I start trying to do it, I’ve already missed His timing and have no idea how or what to expect of Him helping me. If I leave it with Him, He will do it as He sees fit and involve me perfectly. As an added bonus, I don’t have to be thinking and worrying and trying, because He’s got it covered!

Slowly he is coaxing me out of my armor of good behavior, inviting me to trust Him. And as I emerge, feeling a bit naked, He reminds me, “As a father pities His children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:13, 14) He is not expecting me to get things right. He is expecting me to be weak, and His strength is the perfect match for my weakness. His joy is to provide for me – and you.

 

Lies, #2

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Lie: Your productivity is more important than almost anything else, including your emotions, your desires, how tired or hungry you are, and whether you find value in what you’re producing or not. Ah yes, this lie is so familiar to me, so insistent, so much a part of the fabric of how I have lived my life.

Have you noticed that lies and idols can be one and the same? I have always been confused when people try to talk about “modern” idols – money, possessions, relationships, whatever. Until a few years back when I did a Bible study on the book of Jeremiah that helped me identify my idols: productivity and comfort. Those were the first two idols I identified. When I told a friend, she said “those seem like good things!” Yes indeed. And that is how Satan so skillfully weaves them into my being and snares me with them and even convinces me to worship them.

Here is how the Holy Spirit answered this lie: “You are the most important thing to Me. I died for you even though you might not choose me, and I love you the same whether you choose me or not. I made you and I love you: your emotions, your desires, your values. How you feel matters to me, and I want to give you rest. You don’t need to do anything for me. (You don’t need to love me. You don’t need to serve me. You don’t need to be a good Christian so you’re not misrepresenting my name. You don’t need to have daily devotions. I love you. And if you love me back that’s like a cherry on top.)”

He took all the “works” right out of it and made it about grace. This is the God I am coming to know. The emotionally safe God, the God who turns things upside down, the God who saves me from myself. He takes these wounds in my spirit and shows them to me, layer by layer, revealing what healing He has for me.

So layered with this lie is another one, again from childhood (this is how I internalized things, not necessarily the message my parents were trying to send): Working hard is extremely important, and learning to work hard is the purpose of childhood. Those who don’t work hard reap the consequences. It is never ok not to be a hard worker. What needs to be accomplished (which is anything productive that is available in any area that is not currently in a state of perfection) is more important than you. Whether you have the time, energy, motivation, or interest to do it doesn’t matter. It must be done. If something is important to me more than to you, I will make sure to make it a burden to you by mentioning it, its urgency, and the dire consequences of not doing it, until you comply. The idea that it may just be less important to you is totally invalid, or if it is less important to you, it’s because you’re thoughtless and/or lazy.

As I look at this I have to chuckle. My poor husband has been through a lot of torment because of this lie. I have treated him according to the lie, and as he is not a “do-er” in the way that I am, it has been torture for him. I am grateful that he has stuck with me, patiently setting boundaries and loving me in spite of my intense desire to Get! Things! Done! Already!!!

Amazingly, the Spirit answered this lie with the same initial statement: “You are the most important thing to Me. The purpose of childhood is learning and growing, which children do automatically. Parents participate in that by modeling, and providing opportunities. Never measure your success as a parent by how hard your children work. Leave the measuring up to me. Sometimes it is ok not to be working. Elijah spent years by the brook Cherith. Rest is a blessed thing (literally). It is a gift, and an opportunity to remember other gifts. To be always busy is to be lonely, tired, frustrated (the work is never done, and the not-always-busy people aren’t helping). Connection requires rest, unplanned time. It is good to slow, to stop. It does not mean you are lazy, ignorant of the work available, or thoughtless/foolish. No one but you is measuring your productivity. You can stop now. And you don’t need to measure your rest either. Just because there are things to do doesn’t mean you ought to be doing them.”

Every time I read this, my spirit takes a deep breath. I am important to God. Apart from my productivity, my behavior. I am loved no matter how I perform. God wants me more than anything I can do for him. Oh Jesus, let Your voice speak with authority above all the others.

Connection Is Greater Than Perfection

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Have you ever dated Jesus for His mansion? A home of gold and jewels waiting for you in a perfect world free from tears and pain? Or maybe you fell in love with Him and although you’ve lost the passion you’re sticking with Him because He’s such a nice guy and you hope all that niceness will rub off on you. He is love, joy peace, patience, kindness… and you could definitely use more of that. Perhaps fear keeps you in the relationship: you fear His eternal wrath if you don’t believe, or fear He’ll remove your favorite blessing here on earth if you don’t tow the line. Maybe you’re in an arranged marriage. Your parents picked Jesus out for you from birth and their dearest wish is to see you happy together forever, but you feel trapped. Or is Jesus your convenient boyfriend? He’s always nice to you, He wants to be with you, but He’s not pressuring you into anything, so you enjoy your independence and give Him a call when you’re lonely.

Or perhaps, like me, you thought He wanted something from you and you’ve been working hard to be productive for Him. I haven’t spent a whole lot of time thinking about His mansions or how available His love is to me, but I have spent countless hours thinking (and fretting) about what He wants from me. Certainly he must want something. Right? There are sufficient options, I can choose what fits me best. Or what makes the guilt a little less persistent. Take a high stake option like selling all my possessions and moving halfway around the world to be a missionary in a closed country. Take a low stake option like reading a few Bible verses every day. Take the obvious Biblical exhortations: obedience, for example. Of course He wants obedience from us. How about loving behavior? He wants me to be kind and generous, have good thoughts, be slow to anger (James 1:19). There are so many things, and I’m pretty sure He wants them all. He says “But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). But all this fretting has done little for me, and I am reminded that my righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).

Among the various words and phrases I have written in my prayer window are these: “He is best discovered when I am seeking Him – not a better version of myself”; and “He wants me more than anything I can do for Him.” I feel this tugging on my heart. Jesus begging me to rethink. To repent (turn toward Him). I have believed that He is seeking my doing, and I have sought His doing in my life. Oh how I long to be patient, kind, gentle. How I long to be a better parent and wife. How I long for the truth to set me free into the joyful and abundant life. But have I longed for Jesus? He is pressing close to my spirit. He is telling me, “I want you. I want to be with you. I want to be your most intimate companion, even if you never change. Even if you never do one thing for me. I don’t want your behavior. I want you! Do you hear me? I am literally crazy about you. This mansion of gold and jewels feels lonely without you. You are so precious to me that to live inside you so that we are never apart even for a second is my greatest desire. I am not afraid of your brokenness. I am not frustrated by your problems. I am not disappointed that you have not performed well for me. I am so in love with you that those things are nothing to me.”

I have hungered, I have grasped, I have desperately worked, I have demanded, I have begged, I have despaired. Where are these fruits, the gentleness, patience, kindness, joyfulness, and self control? God has graciously walked with me through this unholy flailing, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel this prayer in my heart and on my lips: Lord, you will not do anything that does not build the intimacy of our relationship. You will not give me the fruit of the Spirit just so I can have the fruit. The whole point is that I do life with you. You in me, me in you. Abiding. You desire to be my companion every moment of every day. You don’t just give me the fruit of the Spirit, because the fruit is not the gift. You are the gift. You with me is the gift. You want to be with me. Intimately. Always. Lord let this sink into my spirit and my bones. As Chris Tomlin sings, “Oh I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like, but I’ve heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night, and you tell me that You’re pleased and that I am never alone. You’re a good, good Father, it’s who You are… and I am loved by You, it’s who I am.” I feel like I’ve been going after you for Your money or Your mansions, or Your treasure, Your power, Your gifts, or hoping You’ll rub off on me. But now I see the beauty of resting and letting you come after me. I see that Your offer to be my companion in life far outweighs all the other things You have that I was hoping to gain by being with You. I have wanted you for what You can do for me, and I have believed that You wanted me for what I can do for You. I repent of these beliefs and I turn toward You. I accept this joyous mystery: you want to be with me.

Lies, #1 – Part 2

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I’m part of a parenting community called 22:6 Parenting, and this month we’re thinking about Sabbath and how to prioritize rest. Mentor Joshua Straub asked the question, “What are you chasing?”, and as I considered this in my quiet time with Jesus, He gave me an answer.

What am I chasing? Good behavior. I want to behave well. I want my kids to behave well. I want my husband to behave well. (No wonder I am not content most of the time!) Like the elder brother in the story of the “prodigal son,” I have put my faith not in my Savior, but in my behavior. I continue to believe the lie that if I do things right everything will turn out ok. I am trying to use You, Lord – to wrench blessings from you by keeping up some sort of imaginary bargain. But of course You can’t be used, so all I am doing is wasting time trying to accomplish what you have already accomplished for me: salvation. I am reminded of what You keep telling me over and over: You are best discovered when I am seeking You – not a better version of myself. You’re inviting me to an abundant life and I’m too busy toiling to accept. How do I turn from good behavior? Celebrate heart change. Enjoy God’s love and fellowship. Celebrate… enjoy… not “do it right”?

Good behavior works for a while, just as prodigal living (doing it all “wrong”) does. I think for me it has crashed in on itself and I am still trying to rebuild it and make it work somehow. It’s time to walk away from the ruins. Time to release myself and my family from good behavior and start chasing Jesus. I don’t know what this looks like, but I think a good place to start is asking myself as I make decisions and process events, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When my kids are fighting, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When my husband still has the light on at 1am, “Am I chasing good behavior?” When I lose my temper and then feel like a super-failure as a parent, “Am I chasing good behavior?”

Jesus, You came to set me free. You paid an unfathomable price to achieve for me something I can never achieve for myself: intimacy with God. Your Spirit joins with my spirit to affirm that I am God’s child (see Romans 8:16). You have already given me something far greater than I could achieve in a lifetime of good behavior.

Slow

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Lord let me let you love me slow. Sometimes I think about how slowly the world wakes up. The contrast between alarm clocks and bright lights and the twittering birds and slow lighting of the sky. It takes an hour for the sun to rise and to set. It’s a reminder to me that You are not in a hurry. Neither are you in a hurry for me to become perfect. You are content to commune with me in my brokenness. You seek intimacy with me rather than perfection from me. So let me embrace the slow knowing, the gentle turning, of my broken spirit to Your wholeness.

Place of Grace

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Lord help me embrace the open space that feels unknown in this place of grace. To trust You is to accept the not-knowing. And when I do that, I receive the gift of thankfulness in the present moment. The un-knowing binds me to You, because I must know something, and if it’s not what to do and how to do it and what the future holds, then it is You. I know You. You are my safety. You are my future. You are wisdom. You are comfort. All is wrapped up in You, which allows me to be present. I can be in this moment, because I know You will be with me in the rest of the moments as they come. This is grace! This is freedom. This is the gift of not worrying. I’m sorry I have been slow to surrender. I have tried to place myself in judgement over You. How ridiculous I must look, but You persist in seeking intimacy with me. Thank You.

” ‘He who glories let him glory in the Lord.’ And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God. For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. And my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.” -1 Corinthians 1:31b-2:5