Category Archives: Unshakeable Identity

Morning Pages

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Writing and prayer are, for me, inextricably linked. Pat Schneider said it well: “When I begin to write, I open myself and wait. And when I turn toward an inner spiritual awareness, I open myself and wait.”

In the course of living, I often disconnect from myself. I disconnect to stay operative, and it can be difficult to coax my spirit out of hiding. If I feel, will I still be able to function?

I’m reading two of Julia Cameron’s honest and encouraging books on the creative pursuit, and have been initiated to Morning Pages. Julia swears by them—three pages of longhand, stream-of-consciousness writing every morning, for the rest of your life. This practice puts you in touch with yourself, clears the racket in your head, lets you listen to the Spirit and to your own heart. “As we write,” Julia says, “we come know to ourselves, and increased tenderness to the self we are discovering is the reward.”

I’ve not made Morning Pages a daily habit, but when I do them, I find they deliver the promised effects.

My Morning Pages on June 2 were a ramble about ducklings and the kids’ last day of school. I wrote one page, then got scared: “How do I feel inside? Time to go shower …”

The next morning, it was time to come out of hiding.

June 3, 2023
I guess I’ll start today where I left off yesterday. With my heart. “Go ahead and come out, heart. This is a safe place.” Did some fear send my heart packing? When? How? It seems sudden that I have lost access to myself. But I know it can’t be. Am I running from heaviness? How does one keep a practical balance within one’s heart? Listen and feel, but not descend into the heaviness, never to rise? Maybe I’ve forgotten about my center. Is there really a still place in the middle of all this drama? A place to rest without shutting everything down or solving anything? “The present is safe,” Spirit says. My head is trying to protect my heart. My heart is trying to be small so I can get things done and look functional. But I am not lost in this stormy sea. The girls came downstairs so I moved upstairs. I sat down in my “prayer chair.” I turned my chair to look out a different window. I’m fantasizing about the marriage book I’m going to write. I’m listening to the ducklings and thinking they need their water refilled soon. I’m staring at nothing. I’m listening to the ceiling fan. I’m closing my eyes. I hear the mourning dove and think of the nest we had this spring. K is calling me from downstairs. Now she has come to ask if she can watch PJ Masks with her sister. She’s dressed only in underwear, and in their pretend game she has just hatched from an egg. She holds her hands under her chin in a chipmunk-like pose and speaks adorable gibberish, until I decipher “watch” and “PJ Masks.” It’s before 8am on a Saturday and I’d have to give special permission on Kayt’s iPad, so I say no. I’m starting to thaw here a little bit. I am safe with myself, my journal, God, Michael, and ultimately, with everyone and everything. K’s caterpillars are getting fat. I think God saved their lives. I guess (know) it’s safe to be me, and this day is very doable. Just show up, and then again.

Morning Pages are wonderful, rambling therapy. They are the healing experience of being seen. They are a permission slip to be human. Writing is a gentle and whimsical pathway to the inner self, which I once thought to access with a hammer and chisel, but which actually comes forward like a squirrel—shyly, with worried chirps and false starts. I must sit still. When the squirrel’s tiny paws rest on my fingertips, I feel a sense of wonder. I—brute that I am—receive the trust of another creature. So it is with my own spirit. I cannot use force to gain passage; I must sit quietly and observe with rapture that I am alive. And when I see myself alive, feel the pulse in my own fingertips, I know I will probably be okay.

~ Quotes are from Pat Schneider’s book, “How the Light Gets In,” and Julia Cameron’s book, “Write for Life.”

Holy Homemakers

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Holy Homemakers

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for taking up residence in me.
I don’t think You are an implant,
sewn to the tissues of my brain, or heart.
You must live in that part of me
we humans fail to define,
the spirit or soul,
breath of life first passed
from Your lips to Adam’s
all those years ago.

Blessed are You for co-signing
on the mortgage
for these bones and flesh,
and putting Your name
next to mine
on the mailbox.

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for showing me how to belong
here in myself,
trusting what Your presence indicates—
that this is home—
my spirit, my body, and Your divinity
as homemakers.

Today I Can Breathe

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Today I can breathe deep because when tonight comes God will not love me any more or less than He does this morning.

“God loves people because of who God is, not because of who we are.”

-Philip Yancey, in his book “What’s So Amazing About Grace?”

Today I can breathe deep because God is in charge and I am not.

“He’s got the whole world in His hands. He’s got the whole world in His hands…”

-traditional American spiritual

Today I can breathe deep because God is bigger.

“When did I forget that you’ve always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you’re the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you’ve always been the king of the world…”

-from the song “King of the World” sung by Natalie Grant

Today I can breathe deep because I am fully alive.

“The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.”

-Romans 8:11, Holy Bible, New Living Translation

Today I can breathe deep because it’s not about me. Even if I get everything wrong today, I am loved and God is alive and well.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!’”

-Lamentations 3:22-24, Holy Bible, New Living Translation

Today I can breathe deep because grace multiplies.

“God does not just offer us grace, but He offers us grace, grace, and more grace. His supply is bountiful; no matter how much we use there is always plenty more.”

Joyce Meyer, in her book ” If Not for the Grace of God”

Today I can breathe deep because I am enough.

“No matter how much I get done, or is left undone, at the end of the day I am enough.”

-Brené Brown

Today I can breathe deep because I will never at any moment be alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQmuxIzfJbI&ab_channel=TheHigherPower

Storms, and Other S-Words

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Storms, and Other S-Words

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for sex.
I am drawn by passion
or a desire for passion.
I am drawn to celebrate the joy
and relief of belonging.

Blessed are You
for storms,
set to kill, or thrill,
or water the earth.
Thunderstorms ground me—
flashes of light,
beating of great sky-gongs,
loud but gentle fall of rain.
The smell of washed earth
says I belong here.

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for the safety of You—
a safety that embraces
mystery and madness,
skepticism and silence,
and humankind’s violent and dark
underbelly—human trafficking,
and other tragedies.

When there is not a wisp of cloud
over endless, hellish desert,
there is a whisper that you belong
in yourself and in the heart of God.

No Formula

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No Formula

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for the ways
we fertilize change
and for the ways
change escapes
our eager efforts.
We work,
and something happens,
or nothing.
We do not work
and nothing happens,
or something.

We try hard,
then harder.
The problem worsens.
We invest long years
until: success,
or, the loss of a dream
we didn’t know was a dream
until it vaporized
and broke our hearts.

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for giving us much influence
and little control,
for standing beside us
as we watch our labor
burn to the ground,
or produce one hundred fold,
always saving us from the lie
that our value lives in
what we have made or lost.
Your grace exposes our folly
and assures us that whether
our legacy is beauty or pain
(likely both)
we are fields of treasure.

I’m Breaking Up With This Advice

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“We have all failed, not only because we have sinned,
but because we have thought it wise to keep tabs at all.”

-Danielle Shroyer, as quoted in “Attached to God” by Krispin Mayfield, p. 135

I’m breaking up with this advice: “Stop and think.”

I have stopped to think and here I remain, thinking. It’s time for me to go and not think. I have lived my whole life under a microscope, evaluating everything. This is exhausting, cold, dehumanizing. It’s like looking in one of those concave mirrors that magnifies skin pores, obsessing over the health of each one. No wonder I’m weary.

The alternative is to zoom out a bit and smile. Zoomed out I see a face, a person, a life. God is inviting me to stop. evaluating. everything.

And I feel the freedom. “It is for freedom that Christ has set [me] free” (Galatians 5:1a, NIV). Imagine an unevaluated life. Just a life. Safe and free and homey. And maybe a little daring and vulnerable. I want to model this to my kids: an unevaluated life; a different way than school and work and self-help books, where everything is examined, measured, and labeled. “Bad.” “Good.” “Better.” “Best.” What if nothing was labeled? Imagine the chaos, the freedom, the delight. Imagine the curiosity, the seeing, the open hands receiving.

My calm and whole center where I know I’m okay seems to be growing. One morning I moved to it from a very distracted and unruly mind, and the calm felt bigger than it used to. In this holy center I don’t need to prove my worth or earn my keep. I am truly, deeply okay. In a strange way I feel perfect. The tension between where I am and where I ought to be doesn’t exist here. Imagine—a place where evaluation and measuring are a foreign concept. Breathing, smiling—these things come more easily.

If I can be free from scrutiny, how about everyone else? I feel a growing desire to stop evaluating others. I want to invite them to live freely, to zoom out and smile. See something beautiful here. Stop thinking for a minute—it’s revolutionary.

It Has Been a Year Since We Left Church, for the Second Time

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The first time, it was all rather unexpected. Friends invited us to start a house church with them. We could provide a place for people who didn’t feel safe in traditional church, people who had too many questions or doubts or painful memories.

So we left church to create church.

What followed were six years of beautiful upheaval. Often kids outnumbered adults, two to one. Treasures in the chaos were a sense of purpose, relational Bible studies, conversations over lunch.

But, five years in, I got tired. Bible studies irritated me. Sabbaths felt long. My husband and I watched ourselves interacting with people and noticed how empty we were—selfish and short-tempered and irritable.

Uncertainty hovered around our house church commitment for many months, until it became clear to me that fear was holding me there, not love. Quitting would leave us without a church family, it would disappoint our ministry partners, and, quite frankly, it would look pathetic. I really wanted God to call me to something new, so it could be about going there instead of leaving here. But He didn’t.

Last April, after six years in house church ministry, we made an abrupt exit. We left church, for the second time.

We became the unchurched.

At first this unchurched place of neutrality felt unspiritual. But somewhere along the way I accepted an invitation to my own wholeness.

Now I work with God in a never-ending vocation of inviting people into their wholeness. It’s small groups and coffee dates, reading and writing, praying and listening. It’s group texts and play dates and learning that my identity is not in how people respond or don’t respond to me. It’s not empty, it’s full. It’s not certain, it’s curious. It’s not settled, it’s in motion. It’s not so much about leaving church as it is about finding my holiness and realizing that, as Gregory Boyle would say, there is no “them,” just “us.” We’re all in.

What Is God up To?

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What Is God up To?

Reflections – week 8

It’s the final week of reflections inspired by my current small groups. We’ve been exploring these books: Father’s House: The Path That Leads Home, and The Whole Language: The Power of Extravagant Tenderness. I have a feeling I’ll be going through these books again in years to come. They invite me to occupy my own wholeness, to live in my Spirit center. I’m honored to read the words of folks who are truly alive, and to offer my own words into the great expanse.

Many thanks to the authors of these books—to Karen McAdams, Rachel Faulkner Brown, and Gregory Boyle. You are Spirit wind blowing in my life.

I have long been certain that God is crazy. Here’s proof, from the mouth of Jesus: “Whoever believes in Me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these because I am going to the Father” (John 14:12). I could write pages on what I think this means, but I honestly have no idea. Regardless, it blows the doors off my measured world and invites me to a wild curiosity.

Gregory Boyle writes, “I hired a homie named Julio once who was in possession of the worst attitude to ever walk through our doors. Julio was not the first homie who told me where to go and requested I do things with myself that I don’t believe can be physically done. I do remember, as I hired him, that I deliberately chose to be intrigued by him rather than get defensive. Instead of dreading his arrival and the implications of his belligerence, I opted for curiosity. Way better. It worked out.”1

I find myself in a place where I’m liable to get defensive with God, so I’m opting for curiosity. Curiosity keeps me from “furiosity” and fear. Father’s House Session Seven is about how we were “made for more,”2 and that “more” may look like healing people and exercising power over spirits of darkness and oppression. Exercising spiritual power feels like one more chance for me to mess things up, in a very public way. If I pray over someone for healing of a physical malady or for the removal of a spirit of fear or depression, it’s no longer private. And I probably need an answer for when it doesn’t “work.” I don’t have one, and I hate all the usual ones about whatever God’s will is and maybe I misunderstood what to pray for, or maybe I needed to pray longer or with more people or with more faith, blah, blah, blah. I’ll pass on looking like an idiot and I’ll pass on making excuses for God not showing up.

So obviously I have some things to work through. In the meantime, curiosity keeps me present. Curiosity holds open the possibility for things to happen that I don’t expect or understand. Curiosity invites an awareness that God may be up to something of which I am totally unaware. Curiosity lets God out of the box, to see what He’s going to do. I’m not sure why God lets me keep a lid on Him. But I’m kinda ready to take the lid off. Or at least open it a crack and see what comes out. Curiosity allows me to wonder instead of worry. What is God up to?

In the early chapters of the book of Acts, Peter is beginning to inhabit his spiritual boldness. One day when he walks with John to the temple for prayer, they encounter a man begging for money. The man was lame at birth, and presumably made money to help his family care for him by begging at the temple. He asks Peter and John for money, and instead they heal him in the name of Jesus. He gets up on those legs that didn’t even work in utero, and runs around praising God.

So God’s house can be a place for beggars to come, and to receive something different than what they’re asking for. Through His Spirit, God gives us good things we don’t ask for. This is why I want to be curious. What is God up to?

I suppose I was made for this. It’s not like flying to the moon so much as it’s like walking or eating. I am naturally supernatural. The adventurously expectant life is not my posture toward God, nor His posture toward me, but something we experience together. I am a trusted daughter in this partnership.

* * *

As I look back on Father’s House, having now journaled through it twice in small groups, I recall the story I shared at our final meeting last fall. I journaled it that morning, just a couple hours before we gathered for our Father’s House finale.

November 1, 2022

Saturday our family spent the day around the fire pit in our back yard. The freestanding metal fire pit and all the chairs are still out in the lawn now, on a Tuesday morning. Yesterday it sprinkled a bit and I thought about moving the fire pit, but I didn’t make it a priority. As I fell asleep in the evening I could hear it raining more, and each time I awoke in the night it was raining. I wanted to enjoy the sound of rainfall, but I couldn’t help thinking about the fire pit out there and how easily it rusts. When I got up this morning and it was still raining, I remembered that our two favorite lounge chairs rust also, and I started feeling anxious and frustrated with myself.

Then Papa reminded me, “no condemnation.” And I thought, “but doesn’t letting that stuff rust mean I’m a bad daughter? Doesn’t it make me careless, wasteful … and just really really wrong?” And the answer was, “no. Leaving stuff out to rust has nothing to do with who I am.” I faltered as I tried to say that in my spirit. It was uncomfortable, to say the least, but with some effort I said it. I wonderingly turned it over in my mind and as I accepted it to be true I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I felt light. Amazed. Loved. Free. Then, as is my custom on Tuesday mornings, I weighed myself. 114.6 pounds. As I entered it on my smart phone I felt good about keeping my weight in the 113-117 range for several years now. And then I knew in my spirit that weight management says nothing about who I am. If I weighed 200 pounds I would be just as beloved. And I knew it in my heart. And then I just felt spoiled.

I am spoiled by knowing I don’t have to get life right, and I don’t even have to get spirituality right. There is no “right” incantation or posture or actions. There is no deserving. He is the one doing—the Giver, the Filler, the Inviter. My role is to receive (and there is no “right” way to receive) whatever extravagance He extends to me. He elevates me to where He is, and invites me to a life of amazement. In living that life, I extend the same invitation to the people around me who are still trying to get it “right,” or who have settled miserably into the mire of getting it “wrong.”

“God stands with the powerless not to console them in their powerlessness, but to always remind them of their power. … Jesus invites us to this anarchy.”3

Endnotes:
1The Whole Language, page 130
2Father’s House, page 136
3The Whole Language, page 135

Brain Be Quiet, Let The Heart Speak

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Brain Be Quiet, Let The Heart Speak

Reflections – week 7a

Welcome to week seven of reflections inspired by my current small groups. Together with some of my favorite women, I’m exploring these books: Father’s House: The Path That Leads Home, and The Whole Language: The Power of Extravagant Tenderness. I’ll be referencing material from Session Seven for two weeks (7a and 7b). And then Session Eight will conclude this series.
I’m finding joy here, and I’m pleased you’re with me on this journey.

Mostly I have believed that my head should rule my heart. Doesn’t information come to me via my head? Then what I know will inform my feelings and impulses, my way of being in the world. There’s just a tiny little problem. This trickle-down effect hasn’t happened. When I first noticed, I figured it must be a matter of management—I need to take a strong hand. My heart may or may not agree with what’s in my head, but my God-given will allows me to choose how I behave in the world, based on what I know to be true. Except this never worked either. So how the hell does my software work?

Karen McAdams, in this week’s Father’s House video, says, “If there’s a battle between your head and your heart, your heart is gonna win every time.”1 So I’ve had it backward the whole time?! This clears up a litany of questions I’ve had over the years: Why do I pray for patience and then try hard to be patient? What makes it so difficult to truly love another person, especially when I’m spread thin and they’re a hundred pounds of trouble? When will my beliefs about God start impacting the way I interact with Him and with people? Why am I always at war with myself, exhausted by listening to the arguing factions and trying to reach a conclusion?

Answer: “If there’s a battle between your head and your heart, your heart is gonna win every time.”

Karen McAdams suggests it’s critical that I give my heart permission to speak.2 So I opened my heart room and started picking things up and asking questions. I spent a long time learning how my heart pictures God. I refused the right answers, and listened for the felt answers. The honest truth is shocking, sometimes sacrilegious, always insightful.

God,
I don’t trust You. I want to be in charge of my own self, my day, my time, my family.
You don’t want me to be kind to myself because that would be selfish and sinful. I was made to think of others and do for others.
I’m angry at You for not changing me the way You said you would.
You’d rather be with me when I’m in a good mood.
You’d prefer I figure things out on my own; and also, get them right the first time.
You want me to be dependent so You can control me.
No matter what I do, You’re gonna be volatile, unpredictable. I never know if you’re gonna show up.
When I get lost in myself, You look the other way and wait for me to find myself again.
You like to watch me fail because it reminds me that I need You.
No matter how hard I try, I will fall short. The standards are always changing, just enough to keep me ashamed and aware of my sinfulness.
Your so-called perfection is made perfect in apathy. You are neither warm nor cold, loving nor angry, approachable nor distant, kind nor harsh. This middle ground protects You from criticism, and also from getting too close to me.
I’m furious at You for promising abundance and then giving me stale trail mix.
You’ve really fucked me up by promising You love me and then forgetting to hug me, ever.
The only reason I still believe in You is that my daft head tells me to, and keeps cramming stuff at me until I can’t breathe.
When things get hard, it’s my fault, so I ought not to expect a handout from You.
You’re actually an alcoholic because looking at me and the rest of this world is so damn overwhelming You need to numb it however You can.
You’re so sick and tired of my slow transformation that You can’t stand to look at me, and You’d rather not talk again until I get my act together.
I’m supposed to just let You do whatever the heck You feel like and be okay with it because You’re God.
I’m invisible to You unless I’m useful.

Lonely heart, I hear your pain.

My heart was at capacity, but I didn’t know it. It was full, full, full. Whatever my head sent to my heart, my heart sent right back, unopened. Return to sender. I foolishly thought my heart had unlimited capacity. It never occurred to me I might need to do a good old-fashioned purge and let a couple of boxes go to the second-hand store.

Oh my heart, I’m sorry I have rendered you voiceless, and therefore powerless. But now that you have some room again, and we’re talking, what do you think about some new things? Not too heavy, not too many things. Pick a few. Leave space to breathe.

God,
You don’t mind that I curse at You more than anyone else.
I have Your undivided attention and unmetered affection.
You want to give to me more than you want to take from me.
You see how often I run on empty, and You notice my weary body.
You don’t expect me to change because You love me.
You are more interested in being present with me than You are in molding my character.
You favor me and bless me when I reject You.
You don’t expect me to figure things out on my own, but neither do You expect me to rely on Your advice.
You like to laugh and joke with me, read books together, write together, sit together and look out the window.
You feel the pain I feel, and You bless it.
I am important to You. When You’re dancing with me, You don’t let anyone cut in.
You like to hug me, and You’re always up for a celebration.
You are such a God that I cannot permanently mess even one thing up.
You are not politely neutral toward me. This is a love story, not an agreement to shake hands and keep the peace.
You come find me when I’m curled up in fear and self-loathing, holding a sign that says, “Fuck Off.” You are not fooled, and You’re not offended. You come close enough to feel the tension and see my eyes flashing, and You stay, gently.
You always see the real me, the truest me, the me You made in Your image, unshakably good. You are disinterested in my performance or mistakes and fully aware of who I am as Your daughter.

“Homegirl Inez says, ‘At Homeboy, we don’t check boxes, we check pulses.’ And if one of our trainees misses, we don’t ask, ‘Where you been at?’ but ‘How ya doin’?’”3 Imagine a God who doesn’t ask, “Where have you been?” but “How are you doing?” That’s the God we actually have. The too-good-to-be-true Father, who can witness everything in our hearts and still want to hold hands.

Homeboy Ricky said, “I’ve come to realize that I never need to drown in the shallow end of my own beliefs ever again. Been standin’ up ever since.”4 After living in the fetal position so long, standing up is like becoming a whole new person, unfurled, alive, looking around in wonder at all the beauty.

I will keep giving my heart a voice. I will engage with hope by letting God encourage me. Boyle writes, “… we are meant to both feel encouraged by God and be a source of endless, hopeful encouragement for the downhearted.”5 Dialoging with my own heart will teach me how to dialogue with other beautiful hearts. And I will keep the conversation open. I will be tender with myself when I find more pain in my heart, and I will pray:

Okay Father, I’m gonna talk directly to You. I have a hard time picturing a Father who delights in me, whose countenance toward me does not change based on my performance. But I know that being kind to myself is a way to remember Your kindness, and that remembering Your kindness is a way to be kind to myself. We are in this together. Your authority is my authority—not standing over me, but always backing me up. You like to have fun with me. You always have time for me. You do not hand me a to-do list in the morning and check it over in the evening. You invite me to be with You, creating or enjoying. Just by being You and being my Dad, You remind me who I am when I forget. I belong in Your house. I receive You as my Father, Jesus as my brother, and Spirit as my truest self, my center. Thank You for hearing my heart, and for giving me courage to hear it too.

Endnotes:
1Father’s House, Session Seven video teaching
2Father’s House, Session Seven video teaching
3The Whole Language, page 103
4The Whole Language, page 118
5The Whole Language, page 116

Mess to Meadow

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Mess to Meadow

Reflections – week 6

Welcome to week six of reflections inspired by my current small groups. Together with some of my favorite women, I’m exploring these books: Father’s House: The Path That Leads Home, and The Whole Language: The Power of Extravagant Tenderness. This is week six of eight.
I’m finding joy here, and I’m pleased you’re with me on this journey.

“Messy.” This word resonated with me as a descriptor of my inner world for most of the past ten years. Also, “Complicated” and “Untrustworthy.” Being at home with a newborn baby introduced me to my inner world, and brought to light a toxic relationship with myself that had been flying under the radar most of my life. Twenty-one months after quitting work to stay at home, my second daughter was born, and in between cuddling warm, squishy babies and washing loads of laundry that left only pink lint in the dryer screen, I learned to hate myself.

Self-hate is like having the world’s worst roommate, and reading only bad news in the paper. On some level it feels normal, but there is always the hope that things will improve. I had no idea what would be involved in learning kindness to myself. Mercifully, it was not a journey I took alone, but in the company of my husband, favorite authors, music, and God.

I didn’t know it, but I needed to learn what parts of my inner world are truest. What parts can influence or control other parts? Why did I feel powerless so much of the time, and why did I increasingly try to control myself, my children, and my husband to combat those feelings of powerlessness?

One aspect of learning to be friends with myself was practicing acceptance of all the parts. This has been a vital key in finding peace. But I still want to know, when different parts are at war, what is the most real part? In a broader sense, who am I?

Gregory Boyle writes, “When the homies arrive, they have not been properly introduced to themselves.”1 I can relate. While caring for two little ones, I was introduced to myself, but it wasn’t a proper introduction. I got acquainted with what Father’s House calls my soul—made up of mind, will and emotions.2 These always seemed at war with one another. I thought my will was the control center, the part of me that could call the shots for everything else. But it didn’t work. My emotions jumped into control, my mind spent most of its time cowering in fear, and my will unceremoniously shoved me through the duties of each day. After a few years of getting to know myself, I was thoroughly done with being me, and I was madder than hell at whoever said my will was supposed to control my mind and emotions. I was also angry with myself. So angry, from trying to control my emotions with my will, and my will with my mind, and failing. Always failing. Defeated, lying on the ground, exhausted, dirty.

In the video teaching for Father’s House Session Six, Rachel Faulkner Brown introduces the idea of a spirit center.3 The soul (mind, will, emotions) is around the spirit center, and is informed by the spirit center. In other words, everything moves outward from my spirit center. This means I don’t rule myself with willpower. I cannot tell you what a relief this is. Willpower is an unfaithful partner, an accident waiting to happen. I either wield it to the detriment of the soft parts of myself and my children, or I don’t use it, also to the detriment of our most tender parts.

A spirit center changes everything. There is a whole and holy part of me, a quiet place, a finished place. After being properly introduced to myself, the haggling between my will, mind, and emotions took its proper place outside my spirit. The authors of Father’s House write, “In the Kingdom, who you are releases what you do. The enemy tries to convince you what you do determines who you are. That’s why Satan attacks what you believe about yourself the hardest.”4 I have been caught in a vortex of doing, not knowing that being comes first. Spirit is my center, and my center is Spirit. I don’t need to control my spirit.

So, the truest—by which I mean the most unwavering—part of me is my spirit center, around which all the other parts find their places, and the whole becomes a residence of freedom and meaning.

Rachel Faulkner Brown suggests that I ask God, “What do You call me?”5 This is Papa’s response: “Meadow. You are now a place of beauty, stillness, rest, wonder, creative activity. Seasons may change the blooms or the flow of water, but you will always be these things.”

Mess to Meadow.

Wrestling to resting.

Despicable to divine.

The coming hours of this day are not a treacherous trudge over land mines, but an adventurous afternoon in a meadow.

Endnotes:
1The Whole Language, page 94
2Father’s House, page 100
3Father’s House, Session Six video teaching
4Father’s House, page 99
5Father’s House, Session Six video teaching