Category Archives: For Mothers

Motherhood, My Invitation

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Motherhood, My Invitation

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for motherhood—crucible,
mental health course—no way to opt out,
sleep—a mocking specter,
messes—everywhere, always;
but this too: my first real invitation to be kind
to the uglier parts of myself.

Blessed are You
for seeing me when I was unseen;
for holding my hand
when motherhood was a mirror.
I saw things I didn’t want to see,
didn’t want to be,
and became afraid of myself.

Blessed are You,
Lord our God,
King of the Universe,
for being my companion in the night,
a place to belong
when I didn’t belong in my own self.
You waited, waited for me to hear You,
hear You above the shame,
because You loving me when I hated myself
was the invitation to know my wholeness
and love myself, and in so doing,
to love my children, too.

Fear of Parenting, Part 2

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As I explored in my previous post – Fear of Parenting, Part 1 – parenting has undone me in many ways. The truth is, I was already selfish and overwhelmed and angry, I just didn’t see it until I became a parent. This wide revelation of my inner self often leaves me feeling naked and ashamed. Yet I am confident this is not where God intends me to remain, because He says things like “So now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

When I state in plain words the things I am thinking and believing (the lies listed in my previous post), it gets really clear how far my head and heart are from the truth. This provides the opportunity to explore with the Holy Spirit what the truth is. As I have done that, these truths have emerged:

  • There is not one right answer. Perfect parenting is not the goal. It’s ok. Jesus is here with us.
  • God’s power to redeem is much greater than my power to destroy.
  • Enough faith to come to Jesus is enough faith to be healed by Jesus.
  • I CAN change. But where I’m going is God’s work in me. I am neither a slave to bad behavior or good behavior. I am free in grace.
  • The only thing that recommends me to Jesus is my great need.
  • Mistakes are not preventable. They are normal. They are evidence of showing up and living life.
  • The goal of parenting is to love my children (imperfectly) and model trusting Jesus (also imperfectly).
  • God gave me the full range of emotions. None of them are bad. He experiences them all too. I am made in His image.
  • I am exactly where I need to be. I can rest now (NOT after I become a “better” parent). Jesus’ fullness is the perfect match for my emptiness.
  • I don’t have to be ashamed. His mercies are new every morning. There is grace, grace, and more grace.
  • I can give myself permission to be calm and centered after a difficult day or experience (i.e. parenting fail). I don’t have to wallow in the bad (God has no desire to punish me). I can move on, grateful for grace and the newness of the moment.
  • There will always be problems and unresolved issues in parenting. I can welcome them, knowing 1) they are normal, 2) there is not one right answer, and 3) Jesus is walking me through them.
  • My children are not disrespecting me and acting like brainless wild creatures on purpose. They are weak, desiring my love and guidance.

Isn’t it nice that Jesus doesn’t think I’m acting like a brainless wild creature on purpose, but instead moves closer to me to love and guide me? Every now and then he reminds me not to take myself too seriously. Perfectionism has a way of turning every moment of life into an opportunity to be “right.” That much pressure is bound to make even the best of us into the worst versions of ourselves. When I feel overwhelmed, it helps to imagine my Savior smiling at me and reminding me, “Don’t take yourself too seriously.” No condemnation.

I still struggle with feeling that I am ruining my children. I joke that we have a therapy fund for the hours of therapy they will one day need in order to recover from growing up in our home. But somehow softening the edges of my struggle is the truth that it’s not about me, and it’s not about perfection. Someone Bigger is in charge, and He is God, which means I don’t have to be. He is Big and I am small. He is Creator, I am created. He is Redeemer, I am redeemed. He is Perfect, I am flawed. He is Potter, I am clay. And He is all this to my children as well. I cannot mess anything up so badly that He cannot redeem it. This is truth, this is freedom.

 

Fear of Parenting, Part 1

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I find none of life’s daily challenges as terrifying as parenting. And I’m terrified of being terrified, knowing that as I white-knuckle my way through each day I am teaching my children white-knuckling instead of grace. As a parent I feel inadequate, exposed, undone. I have so many layers of guilt and shame I don’t know where to begin, so I stand helplessly and watch myself flailing in the discomfort of inadequacy. My decisions are often motivated by paralyzing fear, anger, and trying to control all the things that are making me uncomfortable: noises, messes, big emotions, sibling rivalry. I see my imperfections and find myself powerless to correct them as I fumble through each day blindly groping for something that will make me feel acceptable.

In February of this year I wrote in my prayer journal, “I really believe deep inside that I’m going to get it wrong most of the time and there’s nothing I can do about it; and I am extremely fearful and uncomfortable about that. I also think the truth is going to be just as depressing and difficult as the lies. I don’t have much hope to be set free.”

My older daughter will turn seven this fall. This discomfort with parenting has been developing for a significant portion of my life. It has brought about major changes in my spiritual journey and my marriage, and for the most part I view that positively. For some reason, I find it most difficult to face the changes it is precipitating in me personally. I grieve the successful, confident, accomplished person I believed myself to be before I had children. With Paul I say, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” (Romans 7:24)

Then Paul says, “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 7:25a). Is it really that simple? Is Jesus really enough for this? After following Him my whole life, I have just expressed that I don’t have much hope to be set free from this parenting mess. I feel trapped: I fear the lies. I fear the truth. I am afraid of the mess that I am, and also afraid of Jesus.

My counselor says to identify what I am thinking. As uncomfortable as it is to wallow in my feelings, it is even more unnerving to enter into my thoughts. However, it is also very revealing, because in my thoughts I find the lies that are feeding my shame and fear. Over time and through a couple of different processes, I have identified over forty of my toxic thoughts about parenting.  They seem to fall into three categories: 

  • HOW THINGS SHOULD BE

  • Most – if not all – of my parenting interactions should be positive and turn out well.
  • Calm, clean and quiet are signs of a good home.
  • The goal of parenting – both in individual interactions and as a whole – is good behavior and happy outcomes.
  • Parenting is the most important thing in life to get right. It’s terrible not to be emotionally safe, empathetic, consistent, good at being present, a fun playmate, etc.
  • Crying is bad. Yelling is bad. Anger is bad.
  • I will have less problems if I get it “right.” There won’t be scary situations or loose ends. Someday I’ll have it all figured out.
  • It is important to feel bad, guilty, and ashamed when I make a mistake or when my kids behave in a way that reflects my unhealthy patterns.

  • I AM DOING IT WRONG

  • I have ruined the identity of my children by giving them so many wrong messages at a young age. I have done a lot of irreversible damage.
  • I get it wrong most of the time, and that is going to have long term (perhaps eternal) consequences.
  • I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be there for my children.   
  • Interactions with my children are scary. I want to get them “right” but I don’t know how.
  • All the ways my children “misbehave” means something is wrong with me or them and I need to fix it.

  • I CAN’T CHANGE

  • I won’t ever be free or healthy. People don’t change. I’m trapped in bad parenting and its consequences.
  • My success is based on my own merit and abilities – the outlook is dim.
  • Outcomes are the most important thing, and they depend on my being a “good” parent, which I currently am not.

It is these thoughts that leave me feeling deflated, helpless, and less-than. If these are not true, then what is? Is there really hope in Jesus? Can I actually change, or is that just a carrot dangled by religious zealots who want me to follow their God? Is a God who allows me to ruin my children worth believing in?

I’m not sure I have the answers to all those questions, but I have two experiences to share in closing. First, on Mother’s Day this year, when someone told me I was a good mom I didn’t inwardly cringe. For the first time since my daughter was born, I was able to take the compliment, believing it to be true. This to me is evidence of the power of Jesus against all the lies. Second, through a month-long process of combatting lies with truths, I reached this conclusion, not just in my thoughts, but also – on most days – in my feelings: I am able to do this job God has given me. I don’t have to hide behind productivity and to-do lists. I don’t have to be ashamed or overwhelmed. I can give myself permission to be all in. There is something beautiful about having permission to be all in. And maybe if I keep giving myself permission to be all in, my children will learn to come out of hiding too.

[In “Fear of Parenting, Part 2” I’ll discuss some of the truths that are setting me free. To understand more of my journey regarding whether Jesus changes us, and whether hope in Him is well-founded, see pretty much all of my other blog posts! In a nutshell, He’s not really that worried about my good behavior, and the freedom He offers does not consist in me becoming a perfect parent.]