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Obedience, Part 1 – Turning

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Obedience. Another word that has a long “cringing” history with me. The Oxford Dictionary online defines cringing as “bent in fear or apprehension”; a perfect description of my response to mandates for Biblical and godly obedience. Along with a nice helping of guilt because I know I should want to be obedient and I should be obedient. Either because God is right, or because He loves me, or something like that. This year God has been calling me to obedience, so we have been conversing about what that means. I would like to share these conversations with you, in the form of five posts, of which this is the first.
Obedience, Part 1 – Turning
Obedience, Part 2 – Agreeing or Trusting?
Obedience, Part 3 – What Precedes Obedience
Obedience, Part 4 – What Follows Obedience
Obedience, Part 5 – Disobedience

The Light Burden

I don’t know about you, but at face value obeying God sounds to me like an incredibly heavy burden. There are hundreds of rules, mandates, and lists of good things to do in the Bible. Unlike the Pharisees, I have not memorized these and made it a practice to implement them perfectly in my life. Even if I distill them all into the famous “love God and love each other” principle, I’m no closer to being successful in obedience. But maybe obedience isn’t about doing all the good things all the time.

In Matthew chapter 11, Jesus says, “‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” In a heart-raw talk by Phil Vischer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVuinkWIolo), he submits the idea that the “light burden” or “yoke” Jesus describes is obedience. Maybe He’s only asking me to do one thing. I don’t have to know all the things and do all the things. Maybe this light burden of obedience is simply turning toward Him in this moment.

For This Moment

I have a tendency to over-commit. Call it loyal, call it controlling, call it dependable, or call it desperate – and you’re probably right. In any case, I thought God needed me to promise unending obedience to Him. That right now I need to be ready for all the eventualities. I have this crazy idea He’s going to ask me to do something crazy. And if I agree to obey Him, I have to agree to all the possible outcomes up front. I have to promise obedience at every juncture for the rest of my life. I must surrender my will once and for all.

The truth is, I exercise my will a hundred times a day. Sometimes in obedience and sometimes in self serving. The truth is, it would be presumptuous to promise obedience when I am riddled with sin and selfishness. The truth is, God is inviting me to obedience and surrender as He interacts with me throughout every day – each moment, each reminder of His kingdom, each time I see my brokenness and His offer of rest and provision. The truth is, I am a sinner saved by grace. Not, I was a sinner. I am a sinner, and I am simultaneously saved by grace. Saving is God’s work, and my part is to respond to Him in this moment. He wants today with me. Thank You Lord for the hundred invitations every day to turn toward You and accept Your transforming presence with us.

Turning Toward

In the bestselling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman and Nan Silver, chapter five is devoted to the principle “Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away.” It begins by describing a common scene in the Love Lab, a fabricated apartment in Seattle, WA that serves as a marriage research facility:

None of the footage taped in our Love Lab would win anybody an Oscar. Our archives are filled with scenes in which the husband looks out the picture window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over her magazine and says, “Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband grunts.

You might think I’d find viewing hour after hour of such scenes unbearably boring. On the contrary: When couples engage in lots of chitchat like this, I can be pretty sure that they will stay happily married. What’s really happening in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting – they are turning toward each other. In couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, such small moments of connection are rare. More often the wife doesn’t even look up from her magazine – and if she does, her husband doesn’t acknowledge what she says.

Gottman goes on to describe how people make “bids” for their partner’s attention: sharing their feelings, making a joke, scooting closer on the couch. “People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection…”

This is what God wants with us. He wants to be together, to chat. He is making bids for our attention, constantly seeking intimacy with us. Obedience is a turning. It is a “yes” to intimacy with God. Emmanuel: God with us. This is a totally unequal relationship in a way that is wholly in our favor. Someone who is lovely, emotionally safe, strong, wise, eager to provide for you and having the power to do so – this Someone desires intimacy with you, with me. 

I like the simple message of this song. Could it be that God desires you? 

Savior and Lord

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Two months ago I wrote in my prayer journal, “I don’t have to save myself. I don’t have to provide for myself. I don’t have to know what I’m doing.” I have permission from the King of kings to breathe, to rest. He is doing the saving, the providing, the knowing.

Today I wrote this: “If God is my Savior and I don’t have to save myself, is it also true that if God is my Lord I don’t have to be lord over myself?” I have tried to master myself with little success. Still bitterness and resentment, fear, selfishness, domineering, judgement, and anger spill out all over the place. Proverbs 26:11 describes me well: “As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.”

I have shied away from calling Jesus my Lord because it sounds so… authoritarian. But I have been upside down, standing on my head, and God is offering to put me on my feet. Jesus as my Lord is not more expectations and demands on my performance. It is an offering of His performance over mine. He says, let Me be Lord. Here is My power to master selfishness. His lordship is a gift.

Oh Lord, I repent. I have misunderstood You. I have feared Your beautiful gift. Thank You for continuing to extend it until I am ready to reach out, to kneel down, to bow in humble gratitude for Your offer to be my Lord. I accept.

Peace and Discomfort

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Years ago I was blessed in an unnerving way by a small group Bible study that required identifying personal idols. Of course I had heard about “modern idols” all my good Christian life, but the concept had never broken into my heart’s reality. This time it pressed in until I began to be aware of some personal idols. One of the first idols I identified was comfort, or being comfortable. I do not like being uncomfortable – physically, mentally, emotionally, and everything in between. No discomfort please. Have I “given” this idol to God? Not really. I operate more on the “misery loves company” principle, and make sure everyone around me knows when I am uncomfortable. I try to fix things, and I get mad when it doesn’t work. I would say I still have comfort on a pedestal. But that doesn’t stop God from giving me something to think about.

Earlier this week as I was sitting with God in the early morning quiet, I was feeling uncomfortable. My spirit was not at peace and I wanted to escape the discomfort. As I sat with God in my discomfort, He suggested that perhaps peace and discomfort go hand in hand. His peace settled in my heart, and I felt both peaceful and uncomfortable at the same time. This has happened before, but I had not previously stopped to name it. Could peace and discomfort be two sides of the same coin in our existence on broken earth as Jesus followers? Is this a common experience among believers?

Peace with everything comfortable would hardly merit the title “peace that passes understanding” (Philippians 4:7). And being comfortable seems an unlikely description for a life lived in spiritual warfare, or being part of an upside down kingdom, or being in the process of transformation from having a heart of stone to a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). I don’t want to admit that life is uncomfortable, but the truth is that my uncomfortable moments outnumber my comfortable moments.

So if I go ahead and admit that life (even – or especially – a Christian life) is uncomfortable, discomfort suddenly has purpose. It’s like a constant whisper in my soul, “remember Jesus.” Every time I notice my cold feet, or replay a conversation that didn’t go well, or feel rejected, it’s a whisper, “remember Jesus.” I cannot forget, because I cannot make my life go well and stay comfortable. Every time I feel the discomfort, it’s an invitation to “peace that passes understanding.” An invitation to remember that the One who provides stands ready to give me peace. Only in feeling the discomfort do I know the desire for peace, and turn toward Him to receive it.

In her book “Searching for Sunday,” Rachel Held Evans says, “Imagine if every church became a place where everyone is safe, but no one is comfortable.” I love this because it rings true with the way I experience God. He is the ultimate safe Being, and in His presence I flail, I curse, I cry and shout, I sit in silent misery, I question, I complain, and always He is present. There is no person I have ever known that even came close to this level of emotional safety. And yet I am not comfortable. I don’t come before God to feel good about myself or to get things fixed. His work in me is often uncomfortable. Safe, but not comfortable. Peaceful, but not comfortable. Maybe someday I will get used to this.

Fear of Parenting, Part 2

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As I explored in my previous post – Fear of Parenting, Part 1 – parenting has undone me in many ways. The truth is, I was already selfish and overwhelmed and angry, I just didn’t see it until I became a parent. This wide revelation of my inner self often leaves me feeling naked and ashamed. Yet I am confident this is not where God intends me to remain, because He says things like “So now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

When I state in plain words the things I am thinking and believing (the lies listed in my previous post), it gets really clear how far my head and heart are from the truth. This provides the opportunity to explore with the Holy Spirit what the truth is. As I have done that, these truths have emerged:

  • There is not one right answer. Perfect parenting is not the goal. It’s ok. Jesus is here with us.
  • God’s power to redeem is much greater than my power to destroy.
  • Enough faith to come to Jesus is enough faith to be healed by Jesus.
  • I CAN change. But where I’m going is God’s work in me. I am neither a slave to bad behavior or good behavior. I am free in grace.
  • The only thing that recommends me to Jesus is my great need.
  • Mistakes are not preventable. They are normal. They are evidence of showing up and living life.
  • The goal of parenting is to love my children (imperfectly) and model trusting Jesus (also imperfectly).
  • God gave me the full range of emotions. None of them are bad. He experiences them all too. I am made in His image.
  • I am exactly where I need to be. I can rest now (NOT after I become a “better” parent). Jesus’ fullness is the perfect match for my emptiness.
  • I don’t have to be ashamed. His mercies are new every morning. There is grace, grace, and more grace.
  • I can give myself permission to be calm and centered after a difficult day or experience (i.e. parenting fail). I don’t have to wallow in the bad (God has no desire to punish me). I can move on, grateful for grace and the newness of the moment.
  • There will always be problems and unresolved issues in parenting. I can welcome them, knowing 1) they are normal, 2) there is not one right answer, and 3) Jesus is walking me through them.
  • My children are not disrespecting me and acting like brainless wild creatures on purpose. They are weak, desiring my love and guidance.

Isn’t it nice that Jesus doesn’t think I’m acting like a brainless wild creature on purpose, but instead moves closer to me to love and guide me? Every now and then he reminds me not to take myself too seriously. Perfectionism has a way of turning every moment of life into an opportunity to be “right.” That much pressure is bound to make even the best of us into the worst versions of ourselves. When I feel overwhelmed, it helps to imagine my Savior smiling at me and reminding me, “Don’t take yourself too seriously.” No condemnation.

I still struggle with feeling that I am ruining my children. I joke that we have a therapy fund for the hours of therapy they will one day need in order to recover from growing up in our home. But somehow softening the edges of my struggle is the truth that it’s not about me, and it’s not about perfection. Someone Bigger is in charge, and He is God, which means I don’t have to be. He is Big and I am small. He is Creator, I am created. He is Redeemer, I am redeemed. He is Perfect, I am flawed. He is Potter, I am clay. And He is all this to my children as well. I cannot mess anything up so badly that He cannot redeem it. This is truth, this is freedom.