I want to know why love sometimes explodes

as if a sly engineer placed dynamite

lit the fuse

watched as the explosion displaced us

I want to know what love looks like over the wall between hearts

does one offer a nosegay

or pass scribbled notes

or sit in the silence

wait for the wall to come down

I want to know why I try so hard to hide in plain sight

only a fool would believe

the false protection of these cobbled together excuses

crumbling shields against vulnerability

I want to know my body’s secret depths

from whence it drags mythical monsters

to frighten me out of my mind

I am stranded

witless

I want to know why a rift in relationship

alerts my soul to breathe shallow

my belly to boil and churn

as if indigestion

could satisfy heartbreak

I want to know what love does here

here where I know not if it is withering or growing

I stare through soiled glass

willing both the glass and the love to become clear

I want to know if this wound will leave a scar

and whether the scar will be

endearing or aggregious

temporary or permanent

I want to know how words that were meant to connect

disconnected

a wedge where I planned snug stitches

I want to know if even God sees conflict clearly

or if it’s always a mess

jagged edges

scraping together and apart

I want to know whether it is hiding or being seen

that leaves us raw and wronged

and lonely

I want to know the path of love’s return

long or short

paved or overgrown

steep climb or wild unbroken fall

I want to know who gave love a license

both to hurt and to heal

then released it in me to roam free

no map

I want to know which version of me to call upon in this wilderness

until I realize

there is only one version of me

and it will sit up

in the detritus of the explosion

look for you

and when it finds you it will hold and search your gaze

the way only a survivor can